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Monday, June 11, 2012

From my LAPTOP

I have a huge collection of junk in the various partitions of my hard drive. As I was going through one such folder the other day I found some hilarious and weird notes which I must have collected from somewhere. So here they are:


'Actual conversation after 3rd ODI between India-Pak played in Lahore Paskistan on 13 Feb 2006:

Rameez: So Inzy, disappointed with your performance today?
Inzy: Bismilla-e-rehman-e-rahim. Thank you allah.ya the indian batsman is play very good today. we is try very hard but is not win the game.

Rameez: Any words for Dhoni?
Inzy: Ya dhoni is play very well. He is hit his shot very hard in our gaps. In start, we is protect our gaps very well. the grass is also thick.. but dhoni is split our gaps with his bat.

Rameez: Another ordinary bowling performance?
Inzy: Ya our balls is loose. the bowler is went for many run. Asif is bowled well. Also, after some shots the ball is out of shape. umpire is not give another ball. it is tough to play with one ball.

Rameez: Dropped catches.. did that prove costly?
Inzy: ya the ball is not stick to our hands. we is practice a lot sticking our bat in our hands.. but now we is more practice sticking balls in our hands.

Rameez: Any plans for the next match?
Inzy: ya India is on top but we is try to bounce on our back. Insha allah we is play better.

Rameez: All the best Inzy
Inzy: Thank is you"

Okay I have to apologize now. Because I don't think the conversation actually went as above. Besides Pakistani or not, Inzamam ul Haq was a damn fine batsman to watch and definitely deserves my respect.



 Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey,
but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!



You May Be A Taliban If
  • You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
  • You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
  • You have more wives than teeth.
  • You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
  • You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
  • You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
  • You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
  • You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
  • You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
  • You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.


A lot of people will attest to the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are a couple of Genius. Not only they have made a show like South Park, they often manage to produce something even beyond the ridiculously high expectation level they have set. Here is one such example. The episode was "Fishsticks" and they spoofed Kanye West with this awesome lyrics rendered to the tune of the song "Heartless". I have made those parts which I found worth a ROFLMAO bold. Enjoy. For best effects read it while listening to the song on youtube here.

I've been so lonely, girl
I've been so sad and down
couldn't understand
why others joked around
I wanted to be free
with other creatures like me
and now I got my wish
I know that I am a gay fish
(gay fish, yo)
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(it's alright girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
all those lonely nights
at the grocery store in the frozen fish aisle
feeling like a whore
'cuz I wasn't being true
even though everyone said
that I had to make a switch
(gay fish)
now I know that i'm a gay fish
(gay fish, yo)
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl 
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
I used to be scared, denying
who I was
actin' straight,
but then goin'
out to the gay fish clubs
dancin' with the marlins,
makin' out with all the snappers
i'd take a salmon home and
work that coddle fin for hours

but now i'm out and i'm free
to love what I want
be it yellowfin or bass or that
trout in vermont
I slap that marlin ass, make
that grouper butt shake
i'll come to your house and
have an orgy in your mother fucking
fish tank

mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish
I really get around
i'm a slut of the sea
when I say I got crabs
I mean it literally
I was eating dinner
and just had to go down
on that mackerel on the dish

'cus i'm the gayest of the gay fish
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)girl
I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
but I got to settle down
I can't be a whore
I ain't gonna just sleep
with any fish no more
found me a lover
a brother who's a
cross-dressing pike named Trish
and together we are gay fish
mother fuckin' gay fish
(I'm a fish, yo)
girl I am a gay fish
(now where I belong, girl)
makin' love to other gay fish


These tidbits are not penned by me. I just found them worth collecting. What do you say?

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