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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Taal Conversations: Volume II: Part II

Previous scene continued.....

XXX shows Taal the toilet. Taal goes in to wash off the sticky bird dropping on his hair. He closes the door. After tidying up his hair he decides to wash his mouth and freshen up (Don't ask me why? Maybe his breath stinks after such a heavy meal) So now the girl standing outside the door hears strange gurgling like sounds as if Taal is trying to give birth to a baby through the mouth!

Presently Taal comes out wiping his glasses in his handkerchief. XXX wonders why the guy looks different. The she notices the oddity was because he has tucked the Tee shirt in the trousers.

Taal: Shall we continue?

XXX: Beg your pardon?

Taal: Shall we go back to the roof or would you prefer your bedroom?

XXX: (with a horror stricken look) I think.....our parents are waiting for us in the living room

Taal: Don't bother. My parents have full faith on my capabilities

XXX: (thinking, is he talking about the same thing that I am imagining about?.....let me play it safe) Lets go to the roof back then.

Taal: (Disappointed and murmuring) Oh em Gee. There are lots of birds over there.

They go back to the roof

XXX: what did u say?

Taal: Oh. Nothing....... (awkward silence)

XXX: So what do you think of us?

Taal: (distractedly) Oh I never think of you. But I am a decent guy. Sorry, what were you asking again?

XXX: Forget it..Tell me about your job

Taal: I am in marketing. Basically its a lot of data crunching and stuff like that. You wouldn't understand. Even I don't.

XXX: (thinking, this guy gets paid so much for a job he doesn't even understand) I think I would. You see I am an MBA as well

Taal: yeah. Of course. Lets just leave it. Its an uninteresting topic. 

XXX: (in an irritated tone) Then tell me some of your clown stories from college

Taal: Okay. I have one right now. This one time we were playing a part of Mahabharat in one of our Hall drama session- one that involved the vastra haran of Draupadi. You see, I am a very good actor. So my friends insisted I play the central role of Draupadi. As you know Lord Krishna was supposed to supply the saree constantly until Dushshashan got tired of pulling it off. But my friends were real bastards. The guy who played Dushshashan made an underhand deal with the guy who played Krishna. And as a result, while on stage, the supply of saree was suddenly stopped and suddenly I was standing stark naked right in front of everybody present. Man, it was so embarassing! I gave the guys responsible a piece of my mind later. Nevertheless it was a good prank. I thought about it later and laughed a lot.

XXX: How can you appreciate such a thing when you are the victim?

Taal: Oh its nothing! I am the most important person in my friends' circle. Without me they have nothing. I like the importance they give me.

XXX: (murmuring) This is fucked up

Taal: Then one day, two of my wing mates came knocking at my door. I opened the door to find them holding a packet full of what seemed like hair. The guys said "we are collecting pubic hair of all the people of the wing and we have come for yours." I wasn't in a great mood and I got so enraged that I started yelling at them. I was like, “Every thing's got a limit. You shouldn't cross that limit. What would happen if I did the same thing to you?” And then I closed the door on their face. But these guys were really the biggest bunch of jackasses you would come across. Once it was night and I had slept off, they slipped all that hair under the door. It was summers. So the fan was at full speed. And all that hair spread all over my room. I woke up with bits off hair stuck in my face, mouth and where not. I was so angry I swear I could have killed them. But they were nowhere to be found. As the day wore on, my anger subsided.

Later I found out it wasn't pubic hair at all. One of my friends had grown a great length of beard for six months and he had shaved the previous day. It was that same hair. So you see, even though they said it was pubic hair it wasn't. And my anger wasn't justified. It was all good fun

XXX: Dear God...Don't you understand this simple thing that you are the centre of every prank they play? Why the hell would you want to put up with these nincompoops?

Taal: No. No. Its not like that. Even they put up with me. You see, I like spanking people in their butts. They never complained about my sexual advances towards them. They took it in stride and laughed about it. So it is indeed fair and square.

(Suddenly the lovely couple is interrupted as XXX's mother arrives with tandoori chicken)

XXX's mother: I thought I would bring this up since you two seem to bond so people have been talking for ages.

(And with that typical dialogue she departs)

Taal: Nice. I will have the leg piece

(XXX who had grabbed the leg piece and was about to take a chunk of it drops it and grabs the other piece)

Taal: (while eating) Enooofhavt mhe thailllmhe ahavt youyrsleve

XXX: Pardon????

Taal: (after swallowing) enough about me. Why don't you tell me about yourself?

XXX: I never had such an interesting life as yours.

Taal: come on! You have been in and out of relationships. It couldn't be more interesting with all that sexual activity going on. Look at me! I am in my late twenties and still a veergeen.

XXX: Excuse me! What?

Taal: Oh its just a slip of tongue. I never could get rid of the habit to mispronounce words. I meant to say virgin but sometimes it still comes out like that. I remember a funny incident related to this. Once during one of the Bhaat sessions with my friends I mispronounced Gucci twice. First I said “juicy”. There were roars of laughter and this one guy, he was the most irritating of the lot, in fact so irritating that once I kept my gmail password as “shuddhachuddo”. Anyways he kept on bringing the topic again and again and I became very irritated. Come on man, anyone can make a mistake! So I asked him to fuck off and pull off his pubic hair. And would you believe it? This guy pulled off some of his pubic hair and handed it over to me!

XXX: (mouth lolling open) Okay I have lost my appetite. Lets head back to the living room.

Taal: Can I have your piece of chicken as well?

XXX: yeah. Go ahead.

XXX walks off spiritedly and Taal munches off her part of chicken with a contented smile on his face. A few moments later Taal's phone rings. He picks up the call. Its me calling him.

Me: Dude, how is the entire drama going on over there?

Taal: Oh man! I should do this more often. So much free food and on top of that you get to chat with a beautiful girl.

Me: Then marry her you buffoon!

Taal: wait wait. Dude this place is like heaven. I am on the roof and I can see this sexy neighbour. Man She has got a gorgeous ass............Oh Damn! She is married. That's her husband.It looks like he has caught me eyeing her.Gotta will call you later man. Bye

And then its the dialtone..........

A few years later.......

Taal is married with the same girl and we are having this conversation with his wife at a reunion. Taal is not present. He is busy separating the mutton from the rice at the biriyani stand at the buffet.

Taal's wife: you people are not good friends. You always rip on him.

Us: Whoa! Its just innocent fun ma'am. No serious harm done.

Taal's wife: No you shouldn't do that! See how cute he is and you people don't appreciate him.

Us: (sniggering) Oh! We appreciate his cuteness alright.

Me to Shuddha: (whispering) So that's why she married him. The knight in shining armour syndrome. Pick up the cute puppy off the streets, try to make a hound out of him and then feel like the selfless saviour of the mythology.

Shuddha to me: (whispering) save your psychoanalysis for yourself. At least he is getting some. And as far as I can see you aren't.

Confession: Okay. Almost the whole of this story has been conjured. I feel both exhilarated and guilty for doing this. I am surely going to the Pastafarian hell for doing this to a friend. But I can't help it, even though in Taal's own words "Ai sala bokchod gulo sob kichur ekta limit ache kintu. Tor sathe jodi ami same jinis ta kori tokhono erokom daant kelabi naki? Bhag sala gandu. Sob kota sala chutiya". My only salvation lies in the fact that I know even if you don't admit it you like this as much as I do........

So keep commenting. Cheers!