A List of fictitious funny titles for books and movies related to cricket players and officials

During this world cup, Cricinfo introduced the chatterbox in its live scorecard and commentary. In one of those inconsequential boring matches involving a superpower an a superminnow, a nice idea took root in the chatterbox. How about we think up funny titles for books or movies that could be made for cricketers and cricket officials? And the idea spread like wildfire and could not be contained by any of the moderators until very late in the match, when they refused to publish any more comments on this. It was such a fun task, that I decided to keep a record of all the titles people came up with and share them in my blog. So here is the list.....Many of the titles are ideas of yours truly..

So start laughing:

• "DROP Dead Gorgeous" - Kamran Akmal
• "Kill Ball": Robin Peterson to Ashish Nehra
• "Four Drops and a Birthday" - Kamran Akmal and Ross Taylor
• "Taken" - Not written by Kamran Akmal
• "Mr & Mr Smith" - Steven & Graeme
• "The Dark Night" - World Cup 2007 final is more like it.
• "A shot in the dark" - Last world cup final.
• "The Namesake" - Ross and Brendan Taylor
• "The wrestler" starring Andrew Symonds
• "How I met Your Wife" - Shane Warne to Arun Nayar
• "Pulp Fiction"- Batting Powerplays
• "Much Ado About Nothing" - Batting Powerplays
• "Damn Good Batting"- Ashish Bagai
• "The Day the Score Stood Still" - Rahul Dravid
• "King Bong" - The Bangladesh team against England
•  "Flight Club" - Graeme Swann and Murali
• "The day it spun" - Jason Krejza
• "Lost in translation" - DRS reviews
• "Star Wars" - Murali vs SRT
• "The Singh's Speech" - Harbhajan on the pitch
• "The Great Gambler" - MS Dhoni
• "Face off" - Balaji Rao & Romesh Powar
• "Match me if you can" - Muthiah Muralitharan & Sachin Tendulkar
• "little red riding hood" - Tatenda Taibu
• "Tu Chal Main Aaya" - Indian batsmen after Tendulkar
• "Closed Eyes" - cricinfo on comments of some guy who tried repeatedly and failed!
• "Unbreakable" - SRT's Dirty Bat
• "Phas gaya re Odoyo" - Kenyan team
• "Gold Finger" - starring ajantha mendis
• "Up in the Air" - Tim Southee (He caused an uproar by kissing some passenger in his flight to India)
• "Paranormal Activity" - by Indian batsmen after Tendulkar got out against South Africa in the league stage.
• "honey, we shrunk the total" - Indian team to Sachin Tendulkar
• "how to train your dragon" - Andrew Symond's Coach
• "Ballman Begins" - Shahid Afridi on randomly becoming a bowler from a batsman
• "Who's line (and length) is it anyway" - Ashish Nehra
• "Karthik calling Karthik" - Murali to Dinesh
• "Bend it like Bowden"
• "The last fingerbender" - Billy Bowden
• "The Blair witch project" - India playing Australia in WC2003 final
• "Scent of a Woman" - Shane Warne
• "Psycho" - Sreesanth
• "Scream" - Sreesanth, "Scream II" - Harbhajan, "Scream III" - Kohli
• "The Da Vinci Code" - Batting Powerplay for India
• "I am legend" - SRT
• "ek ruka hua faisla" - decision on publishing comments by cricinfo!
• "The Curious Case of Bangladesh Batsmen" - BCB after the debacle against West Indies
• "how to lose friends and alienate people" - Cricinfo commenatators for not publishing the last 99999 comments
• "Dead spin society" - Harbhajan and Piyush Chawla
• "A walk to remember" - Virender Sehwag on the art of running between the wickets
• "The Shashank Manohar Redemption" - Lalit Modi
• The Hangover - Andrew Symonds
• Munaf Patel's fielding:- Dead Man walking
• Bend it like Waqar - PCB
• The Invisible - My Comments :'(
• 12 Angry men - Indian team
• How did the chicken cross the road? - Trent Johnston
• Gone Baby Gone - Zulqarnain Haider
• "The fastest Indian in the world" - Zaheer Khan?
• Confessions of a Dropaholic- Kamran Akmal
• Striptease - Saurav Ganguly & Andrew Flintoff
• Jab We met - Bhajji and Sreesanth
• dirty dancing - sreesanth
• The Expendables - Associate Cricketing Nations
• Eyes Wide Shut - starring k akmal and m van wyk
• "Swing is king" by Dale Steyn
• The last hairbender - Lasith Malinga
• Legally Blonde- All Pakistani players with blonde highlights.
• Clockwork Orange- Ryan ten Doeschate
• Hair Color for dummies - Kevin O Brien, Zaheer Khan
• "serendipity" - bollinger - hussey / KP - morgan
• Dude, where is my spin? Harbhajan
• Signs - Piyush Chawla's leg spin.
• The (tv) Mechanic - Ricky Ponting.
• The Replacements - Mike Hussey and eoin Morgan.
• Flubber - Kamran Akmal.
• When to end a topic - cricinfo commentator.
• Disaster movie - Kamran Akmal.
• "Lord of the swing" by Wasim Akram.
• Black Swan-Gramae Swann.
• 'The English Patient'- Kevin Petersen. 
• Total Recall - by Murali. 
• Once Upon a Time in India - Balaji Rao.
• "ab tak chappan" Hashim Amla's avg. 
• definitely,maybe- england team." 
• I Know what you did last Summer " Salman butt, Muhammad Aamir, Muhammad Asif! 
• Gone with the wind - Sultan Zarawani.
• True Grit - Irish Team.
• M.S. I Love you - Piyush Chawla.
• There Will Be Blood- Razzaq, (Pak vs SA 2nd ODI).
• Cast Away - Lalit Modi.
• Love actually - Imran Tahir.
• Bees Saal Baad - SRT.
• "The Battle of the Bulge" Inzy & Ryder, Foreword by Dwayne Leverock.
• SlumpForm Millionaire - Irfan Pathan ( $1,900,000 in IPL).
• "No country for Old men" - Sourav Ganguly.
• "Dude where is my swing" by Irfan Pathan.
• "Who moved my Crease" - Inzy.
• My Name is Khan - by Zaheer Khan.
• Big Momma - Leverock.
• "To kill a mocking press" - MSD.
• Gone in 60 Seconds- Indian Lower Middle Order.
• Scary Movie (Dhoni's batting).
• "The twister" - by Murali.
• "Two Thousand Splendid Runs" - SRT.
• Jaws - by Shahid Afridi.
• 127 hours (of doing nothing) - Gautam Gambhir.
• Stumped!- M.S. Dhoni.
• One Flew Over Kamran's Gloves.
• How to squabble but still get away with it - Stuart Broad.
• How to make people believe you are a batsman BY Afridi.
• How to play a World-cup with no native players in the team - Canada.
• "How to play test cricket for england" - Irish Cricket Team.
• "Staying Focused" by Sreesanth.
• "How to get into the Indian team" by Piyush Chawla.
• How to create a list of totally useless and hilarious books that we would liked published, by yours trulies. 
• a tale of two countries..by ed joyce and eoin morgan.
• "Facing bouncers" By Suresh Raina & Rohit sharma, Inspiration Sultan Zarawani.
• "How to win in a T20 final" by Misbah Ul Haq.
• "Playing for the country" -MS Dhoni.
• "still seventeen"-afridi.
• How to make Two referrals insufficient - By Mr. Asoka di silva.
• How to name IPL teams - By the Kochi Tuskers.
• The Social Network by Kevin Peitersen.
• "how to change names, get banned, retire and still continue to play"- Mohammad Yousuf.
• How to Hug-Priety Zinta. Foreword by Yuvraj Singh.
• "My Experiments with Chawla" - MSD.
• "Staying Calm when 22 required of 1 Ball" by B.Mac.
• How to Retire Young - Zulqarnain Haider.
• How to hit hundreds that dont win you matches - Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.
• "Why are we here?" by the Kenyan team.
• "How to make friends" - Kevin Pietersen.
• "Being great 12th Man" - Raina.
• "How to carry on an online discussion during a match without talking about it at all" - Foreword by guess who.
• "Art of Ball Changing" by G Swann.
• "How to be fat and fit- Jesse Ryder.
• "How to forget about Camera's on field" - by Afridi.
• "DRS wars- The Umpire Strikes Back" - By Asoka de Silva
• "Having a doosra without a pehla" - Harbhajan Singh.
• The art of using the batting powerplay - Team India.
• "HAIR apparent" by kallis,strauss,bhogle.foreword by warne.
• "Topic is over" - exasperated cricinfo commentator..
• "Spoiling the fun by being uptight" - in reply to above!
• "The art of disappearing" by zulqairnan haidar.
• How to get a decent haircut by Ramiz Raja.
• "how to hit 150 K's an hour" Praveen kumar.
• Using the Commentator's Curse to good effect By Ravi Shastri.
• The Heimlich Maneuver- By the South African team.
• "how to celebrate" - Gibbs.
• "the art of great death bowling" by every indian bowler.
• Being Robin Hood- The English Team.
• "Stretching a joke too far" - Chatterbox participants @ cricinfo.fr the online commentators..
• " How about looking foolish in front of millions by ridiculous commentary".
• "How to be a Notout Batsman in an ODI" by Dhoni.
• "world cup semi finals" by Alan Donald. Foreword by Lance Klusener.
• "100 tips to become team mate's favorite" by S. Sreesanth.
• "No country for old men" by dada.
• "the art of sharing the joys of winning" by eng cricketers.
• "The art of praising SRT" by SMG ??.
• How to ban players by PCB chairman Ijaz Butt.
• "Ashwin - The Egg Layer" by Dhoni.
• Why I Am The Best There Has Ever Been by Justin Green.
• Dutch Pronunciation- By Eric Szwarczynski.
• "How to change fast bowlers into medium pacers within a year"...by BCCI.
• inception to implosion. by indian middle order.  
• Salman Butt "Betting 101".
• "How to win friends and influence people" by Bangladesh cricketers!."
• Appropriate Behavior for Modern Technologies such as phones and Twitter" by Shane Warne.
• how to keep hands clean' by punter.
• "How to increase your tolerance levels" by Sidhu.
• "Experiments with a Winning Combination" By Dhoni.
• The Curious Case of Pakistani Wicketkeepers by Z Haider.
• Chris Martin - "Batting 101".
• "Blood Brothers" by Umar akmal dedicated to Kamran Akmal.
• "How to lose a commercial on last ball" By Nehra ;)
• 'The Art of Destroying Bowling Lineups' by Ross Taylor with help from Kamran Akmal
• "how to bat"-chris martin.
• "The Handy Manual of Fix-it-all" by Salman Butt
• When to get injured by Umar Akmal.  
• "A Slap from the TurbanMan" by Sreesanth ;)
• "Catch Me If you Can" by Salman Butt forward by Kamran Akmal  
• "Commentary for Dummies" must have a foreword by Ranjith Fernando!
• "How to not get in trouble" by Andrew Symonds 
• Biting the Cherry... by Shahid Afridi!
• Commentary for Dummies .. A better book wud be written by Sidhu !!!
• How to try to bowl yorkers and screw up..By Agarkar, Nehra and Munaf.
• "Enigma of the last over" by Dhoni ;)" 
• DANCING IN THE PITCH " BY SREESANTH  
• "Commentary for Dummies" by Ravi Shastri?  
• Ricky Ponting has been signed up to write "Clean hands and Personal Hygiene".
• Targeting flies around the cricket field...by Van wyk..foreword by Kamran Akmal
• " Unraveling the UDRS" by the ICC
• "How to use the 12th man at all times" by Team India
• "Brilliant Glovework" The art of keeping from Kamran Akmal.
• "How to increase mental bench strength" foreword by MSD?
• How to play the batting poweplay. Foreward by MSD.

The best batting innings of the world cups......

I am a fortunate man to have witnessed the best batting innings in the World Cups so far, and I have not missed a single cricket match since the 1996 Cup. Yes, it may be unfathomable to certain people, but this innings bettered, Sir Vivian Isaac Alexander Richards' 181, Kapil Dev's phenomenal 175, Stephen Fleming's 134, Aravinda De Silva's 107, Sachin Tendulkar's 98, not withstanding numerous cameos by legendary match winners like Lance Klusener, Sanath Jayasuriya, Adam Gilchrist, etc. Yes, I am talking about the gem of an innings Andrew Strauss played today at the Chinnaswamy Stadium at Bengaluru- an innings of 158 runs off 145 balls, studded with 18 boundaries and a massive sixer, an innings that threatened to pull off an immense chase of 339 runs and helped pull off a tie......a far better result considering the fact that none of the teams deserved to lose this match. Today Strauss batted like God. He simply could not be ruffled by the Indian bowlers. He virtually got the requisite boundary every over during the improbable run chase and kept milking the rest of the balls for singles and doubles. Such was the awesome form of the man that only a delivery that even a God would fear to play could get him out. And he got out to the best delivery of the match by a fair distance- a toe crushing reverse swinging yorker from Zaheer Khan. What more can a foreign player expect than a standing ovation from the most devoted fans of the opposing team, when he takes the long walk back to the pavilion and he deservedly got that. Perhaps he is right in saying that today he played the innings of his life. I salute to the man who provided such wondrous entertainment amidst the mundane matches till date in this world cup. I will keep this innings right there in my top shelf along with Herschelle Gibbs' 175 in that mother of all ODI matches.

Andrew Strauss came to silence the Indian spectators and won their cheering praise instead......grudging respect but respect all the same.

The Bucket List

Making the bucket list is the new fashion, the "in-thing" and for once the cynic in me finds no fault in making a bucket list. So here I am compiling a list of "must-do" items which I am going to attempt to complete before I die. Its a good thing that I am preparing this list right at the moment when I am about to pass out of university and start earning for myself. My advice to you people would be to follow suit and start doing exactly what you have dreamed of doing since childhood.......doesn't matter if it was inspired by the silliest of moves of Sunny Deol.

My list is as following (no particular order):

• A tour of all famous and historical places of India (yes with a backpack, a couple of friends and all the romanticism of Bollywood)
• A tour of most of the worth visiting places of the world, especially, New Zealand, Greece, Italy, Samarkhand, Jerusalem, Damascus, Egypt, Switzerland, Netherlands, Spain, Great Britain, France, Germany, a safari in South Africa and some of other forest reserves of Africa, the great rift valley and Victoria falls of Africa, Alaska, the Grand Canyon, Machchu Pichchu, the dense Amazonian rainforests........I can't stop counting these places once I start.
• Learn guitar
• Learn Urdu, Telugu and spanish
• Earn a bachelors degree in mathematics
• Publish a paper
• Watch an Olympics, the four grand slam tournaments in Lawn Tennis, the soccer World Cup, the cricket World Cup, an India-Pakistan, India-Australia and India-South Africa test
• Meet a pornstar, while in Hollywood
• Skydive, Parasail, Paraglide, Bungee jump, Raft, Ice-climb, rock-climb, ski, skate, scuba-dive, wing-suit fly at least once
• Do a cross-country road trip on a bike with a group of friends
• Collect as many as possible hard copies of popular novels, stories, non-fiction and build a library out of it (I already have a sizeable ebook collection)
• Go to Jail for a few days/weeks
• Own a Ducati or an Aprilia bike
• Attend a Linkin Park and AR Rahman concert 
• Travel somewhere in a ship

Seems like I have lost interest in writing this post. So I will update this list later when I feel interested again.

Book Review: The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson

People still categorize Brandon Sanderson as one of the new authors to watch, despite an impressive resume. He is finishing the epic work started by none other than Robert Jordan and has already done two-third of the job. The result was quite good- both the books he wrote exceeded expectations. Though the void left by the demise of Robert Jordan can never be filled, Brandon Sanderson presented us with immense hope with his two awesome efforts in finishing up The Wheel of Time Series.

After I was unexpectedly impressed by the twelfth book of the WOT, which was written by Sanderson, I decided to take a peek at his own novels. I read the Mistborn Trilogy and it left a mark so deep in me, that I decided to follow this author whenever and whatever he writes. So when I came to know, he is writing a new epic fantasy series by the name of THE STORMLIGHT ARCHIVE, I was thrilled. After the first book in the series THE WAY OF KINGS released, I regularly kept checking for an ebook edition or a less expensive paperback. The paperback is still to be released. But fortunately I got my hands over an ebook. Then it was just a small matter of two days and I had devoured whatever the book had to offer.

First the cover art- Its highly impressive as anyone can check, especially the richness of colours. Next the maps- I wish the maps would have been better, in the sense less colours, designs and more details. But I know better than to complain, because the fantastic story was enthralling. It sure is an auspicious beginning to what I think will be a grand epic.

The story is divided into several parts and each part is divided into chapters. Each chapter is written in the form of point of views of several characters- mostly the central heroes. Though some of the chapters have been written from the point of view of characters which seem unimportant, knowing Sanderson I think they will most likely have a deeper role to play in his coming novels of the series. Both the female and male characters developed by Sanderson are equally strong and I have a feeling they will still be found to grow in the upcoming books of the series. Though the world building isn't yet complete (Its just the first book), but the author has done a commendable job. THE STORMLIGHT ARCHIVE WORLD is very complex with its irregular but infrequent highstorms (similar to hurricanes), exotic and complex lifeforms (huge crustaceans), and the mysterious sprens and stormlight that can be captured by gemstones. There are multiple magic systems- I am still not sure if they originate from the same, because this is just the first book and a lot of mystery is yet to be solved. Even then, the magic systems are fairly complex and novel- though I fear Sanderson has derived a part of one of them from one of his own works-the Mistborn Trilogy. Even then, its awesome and fantastic. 

Through this work, the author has asked some deep philosophical questions. I hope he answers them in his later works for the same series. The pace of the story is wondrous, and by the time one finishes the book, he is left with wanting more. Therefore my recommendation for any book lover would be to read the book for the next best epic fantasy series has arrived, to challenge the realms of George R R Martin, Steven Erikson, Robert Jordan, J R R Tolkien, etc. And trust me on this, Sanderson is so prolific he won't disappoint you like Martin and Jordan did with multiple delays and postponement. 

I think I see a few anticipationspren around me as I post this...

The Story of ME

Another year ends and instead of feeling exuberant, optimistic and anticipatory I feel pessimistic, pathetic, cynical, totally unhappy, stagnated, jealous- Yes put together all the unsavoury words in here that you can think of and then you get the idea of how I feel. So I decided to bare it all. Here's my story then folks- totally uncut, uncensored, real to the core. I won't blame you if you can't read it through. Only one request- Don't ever speak to me on this topic!

People often ask this question: How are you?
Now since I am sick and tired of replying, "I'm fine", which is totally untrue, I decided to tell the truth,which is ever unchanging in my case. 

No I am not fine at all. I am 22 years old, about to become an engineer, studying in one of the "premier" institutions of the world. But, yes there is always that BUT in bold. But, I am still a virgin, I haven't had a girlfriend since puberty, I don't particularly excel in academia or extra curricular activities simply because of  the lack of interest, and there is this constant competition between which one goes faster: my receding hairline or my ever growing waistline. On top of that I am broke. I can hardly loan anymore money from the evergreen bank- my father because I feel truly guilty about not being able to fulfill all the dreams of my parents. After all a bank provides you with the loan only if you do something worth doing with the money and you are able to pay it back along with the interest. It makes all the more worse in my case because its hard earned money by my father. So here I am, lonely in my room, fretting over all the missed opportunities at school where at least I had some tiny amount of standing. 

So what do I do the whole day? 

All I do is watch a few movies, a few episodes of a TV Series, masturbate a few time to a pornographic film and read a few pages of a novel- mind you, having done that all throughout these last five years, the best movies, TV Series, porn and books have become mightily scarce. So these days more often than not I pick up a run of the mill garbage and end up pulling out my pubic hair in disgust! (you see I can't pull off my hair on the head because most of the time I keep my head shaved in order to retain whatever tidbits of hair is left, so that at least on the day of reckoning I get to grow my hair and be presentable).

Now when you realize all this the first question that comes to your mind must be "Why don't you do something about this? Take one problem at a time and work hard over it. Surely you will succeed." Now there's the catch. I am fucking tired of working hard! I worked too hard to clear an exam in 2006, only to land in this situation. Its not that those who failed to clear that exam are faring badly today. Most of them are successful in their endeavours. And if I had chosen a lesser university, with my abilities ,I was sure to prosper. Remember that thing about being the big fish in the small pond rather than the small fish in the big lake.

About that girlfriend situation, it simply can't be remedied. Because all the good ones were already taken when I was busy convincing myself the best of the lot will come running to me when I get a job package of a million rupees. That wet dream did not materialize. Now, its very difficult to change one's nature. So despite understanding the importance of having an intelligent girl in one's life, one always wants the hot one. Today the hot ones are taken long back. And the intelligent ones are busy with their lives which are far more successful than mine. So why the fuck would they choose me! Also I have long since surrendered over the fact that I simply cannot impress a girl! I don't have money, so I can't take her to movies and restaurants. I am a total psychopath, so I don't understand emotions and hence can't help a girl with "emotional support". And I don't have the looks to impress a girl. Only option left is what you used to take when you were a kid. Given a problem, come running to your parents to get it solved and keep on crying until its done.Yes, I am talking about asking the parents to choose a suitable girl for me and get my marriage arranged. There are too many problems with marriage and especially arranged marriage. You can't dump the girl even if you dislike her. What if the sex itself isn't enjoyable? and on and on...the list of problems is immense. Not to mention the fact that right now being unemployed, there is absolutely no chance I can marry!

After reading all this (I doubt anyone can read all this- its more like whining  of an adolescent kid) you will say, "What a frustrated and desperate guy this is!" Don't say it! I already know that and it doesn't alleviate my pain.

Disclaimer: Yes I am a douche bag and an asshole. Beware of me. And NO I am not going to commit suicide and rid the world of a burden.

About another legend: Jacques Kallis

At the moment I am writing this blog post, the current Jacques Kallis cricket statistics read as follows:

Tests:

Matches: 143 Innings as a batsman: 242 Runs: 11650 Batting average: 56.82
Strike Rate: 45.12 100s: 38 50s: 54
Innings as a bowler: 238 Wickets: 269 Best bowling Innings: 6/54 Best bowling match: 9/92 Bowling average: 31.95 Economy: 2.83 Strike Rate: 67.6 5 wickets: 5

One Day Internationals:

Matches: 307 Innings as a Batsman: 293 Runs: 11002 Batting Average: 45.84
Strike Rate: 72.77 100s: 17 50s: 80
Innings as a bowler: 307 Wickets: 259 Best bowling Innings: 5/30
Bowling average: 31.90 Economy: 4.82 Strike Rate: 39.6 5 wickets: 2

Mind-Boggling aren't they? This old horse has been the most accomplished accumulator ever of runs and wickets in both forms of the game. Talk about consistent performance and he sets the standards in cricket- whatever maybe the form of it- be it batting, bowling or even catching (He has tremendous reflexes as a slip catcher) What awes me most is his record of being the only cricketer ever to have scored over 11000 runs and taken over 250 wickets in both forms of the game. Surely the greatest All-Rounder ever?

But people won't admit that ever. They love to romanticize about Sir Garfield Sobers, Keith Miller, The golden Quadret of Richard Hadlee, Imran Khan, Kapil Dev and Ian Botham. Even Shaun Pollock would be rated a better All-Rounder than Kallis. Now why is that?

That is because we love impact. The glamour of quick scoring, hitting the ball out of the park, a fearsome fiery spell in fast bowling- this is what appeals to us. We don't appreciate the gradual process of accumulating runs and tirelessly bending the back over after over on a flat track for a wicket. That is what Jacques Kallis does. And boy does he excel in it? Refer to his awesome statistics.

Ask anyone to build an all-time XI in any form of the game and he would consider the cricketers I mentioned above to Kallis. Because winning is the key to success. But ask anyone to save a test match, He will ask Kallis to bat for his life.

So hats off to the great man who has been the mainstay of the South African cricket team for a decade and more.

And here is a statistical analysis for those who believe in statistics only: http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/current/story/495719.html 

Now because I can't resist a relevant quip here it is: open Google Pakistan and write Jacques Kallis in the search box. Have a look at the relevant popular searches! Watch out for the amazing things the Pakistanis generally associate with Kallis and search!

What you get to know if you are observant enough

Here is a collection of excerpts I managed to overhear during my interactions with the "aam janta" (no offense, but we do belong to the elite class of the society). As Dabanggshu said, these are priceless things, can't be bought by master card!

• This happened at a saloon at KGP.

Man1: Do you know who is the closest person to a man? 

Man2: Mother? 

Man1: Man! are you naive or what? Its his wife. in fact the next closest is the mot...her-in-law. That is why Mr. so and so went for a vacation with his wife and mother-in-law. Ask him if he ever took his mother for a vacation? 

Man2: did he now? (guffawing) 

Man1: So why do u keep that minuscule photo of ur mother over the speedometer of ur bike. 

Man2: (shamelessly)whenever my mind gets distracted with impure thoughts I look at that photo to get a hold of my wild imaginations!

• This happened the next time I visited the same saloon

Problem:

Man1: Did u hear that daughter of Mr. so and so committed suicide last week?

Awesome out of the world solution:

Man2: no. Wasn't she like only 14 or 15? But I am not surprised. That entire colony has gone down the drains. That is why I say get them girls married as soon as possible.

 

Each of the characters here are different in different incidents. I will keep updating this post as soon as I come across any such rare gems...So watch out for the updates. You are of course welcome to share any such gems you yourself have come across in the comments section.