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Monday, October 25, 2010

Taal Conversations: Volume I: Taal on a Job Interview

Characters: HR interviewer, Taal

Taal enters the room

Taal: Good Morning Sir!

HR Interviewer: State your name and roll no. please

Taal: Sir, Taal

    Oh, seet (in an undertone)

Sir, Arit Taal Mondal

    bhak sala (in an undertone)

Sir, Arit Kumar Mondal

Roll No. 06CS1008 General

HR Interviewer: (gives a bamboozled look) Pardon.

Taal: What Sir? (scratching his head in an ungainly manner)

HR Interviewer: Did you say General?

Taal: Yes Sir. Many people think that I am SC because my title is Mondal. But sir I am General

HR Interviewer: Oh. Right. Here in our company we have strict meritocracy. You need not worry about whether you belong to a reserved category or not.

Taal: Good. I want to join your compaani. (HR Interviewer winces at the pronunciation)

HR Interviewer: So, Mr. Mondal what can you tell me about yourself?
Taal: Sir, you have my CV. Everything about me is there in it.

HR Interviewer: (with a sigh) But Tell me something about what kind of person you are.

Taal: I am 5 ft 7 and half inches tall, medium complexion, the power in my lenses are -3 and -3.5.

HR Interviewer: No tell me about yourself. Not your physical features.

Taal: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I am single.

HR Interviewer: (gives a quizzical look) So why are you single?
Taal: Sir, I could not find a suitable gf. Once I found a beautiful girl in a Puja Pandel. She looked like a Barbie Doll. She was standing with her mother. But I could not approach her.

HR Interviewer: (running out of patience now) You are quite good looking and you are a student at IIT. Some girls must have taken an interest over you.
Taal: (with a shy smile) too!! Actually a few girls have proposed me. But they weren't that good looking. So I was forced to ignore them

HR Interviewer: (at the brink of pulling out his hair) So tell me about your strengths and weaknesses.
Taal: (in a monotone) My strengths are I am Intelligent, smart, a smooth talker, confident and I play football very well. My weaknesses are.....wait I don't have any.

HR Interviewer: (frowning) You must have some! Everyone has a weakness.

Taal: hmm. Let's see. Friends tell me I talk rubbish a lot

HR Interviewer: (in an undertone) understatement of the day. And apparently this guy outscored all the others in the written test and technical interview by a mile

Taal: what are u muttering Sir?

HR Interviewer: Never Mind. Tell me about a situation in your life when you displayed leadership skills

Taal: Leadership skills? (scratching his lower abdomen)

HR Interviewer: yes

Taal: Once I was playing gully cricket in my hall. I was the last batsman and I was given run out when we had only two runs to win. Even though we knew I was run out I fought fiercely against the opposite team. My team mates joined me. And I was given not out

HR Interviewer: (in an exasperated voice) How did you make them believe that you weren't out?

Taal: I said we won't play anymore and won't share the price of the ball that was bought the very day. Then I spanked a few of the players in the opposite team.

(distractedly) Yes. I remember spanking Bera and julie

HR Interviewer: (in an undertone) and he is gay

So you were essentially dishonest and then blackmailed your way out (in an outraged voice)

Taal: Sir its only gully cricket. Nobody was hurt. No wait! They only relented when I allowed them to grope my bottom. You see I have the sexiest butt in KGP.

HR Interviewer: (in an incredulous voice) you do realize that kind of behaviour in our company would land you in a money draining sexual harassment suit.

Taal: you must be joking Sir. See how soft my ass is (showing ass to the interviewer)

HR Interviewer: Ok Ok! Please sit down

Now tell me about a time when you got into a difficult position in your life and how you came out of it?

Taal: difficult position...Oh wait! Yes. Once I was traveling with some of my friends from Howrah to Kharagpur. It was 1:00 AM at night. Only long distance express trains were left. We had a general ticket. But the line at the general compartment was huge (HR Interviewer winces). So we decided to board a sleeper compartment. I had a bag with me. I and my friends stood near the door. I kept my bag near the door. As soon as a TT arrived my friends went away from him in different directions. But I just went into the bathroom. But since I was concerned that someone will take away my bag I had to peep through the semi-open bathroom door. All was going fine. However as we neared KGP a TT spotted me. I knew he was going to set a huge fine. I had the money in my wallet. If he asked me to show my wallet I would have no other way but to give him whatever I had. So to distract him I told him I also had a few friends who are traveling without proper tickets like me and I called them on mobile. They did not know what had happened and came to me. So they too were caught (all the while giving a wry smile) They began to argue and plead. In the meantime I took advantage of the distraction of the TT and took out all the money I had in my wallet and put it in my underwear (HR Interviewer is positively entertained by now. He is enjoying it)

HR Interviewer: Then what happened?

Taal: Then what! My friends kept on pleading and arguing. The TT went to fetch the Rail Police. In the meantime KGP arrived. Even before the train stopped we rushed off the compartment crossed the platform and rushed over the train lines to the next platform, then exited through the underground way (HR Interviewer giving a knowing smile now) So I had successfully come out of a difficult position
(in a disappointed tone) though I lost the few extra change in coins I had which fell through my underwear while I had to dash off.

HR Interviewer:  (looking thoroughly satisfied and giving a “you made my day” kind of look) We in our company work in a team. How do you do in a team?

Taal: Sir, I am a team man to the very core. In gully cricket whenever my team bats I take the initiative to bat first and whenever we bowl I make sure I bowl the most overs. Even while fielding I let my teammates field and I take the place of the umpire.

HR Interviewer: (looking at Taal's CV) you have an incredible Academic Record till Plus two level. Why did your results dwindle after that?

Taal: Sir, I took to computer games. And as such I could not perform that well in my examinations.

HR Interviewer: That's a remarkably honest admission. So now that you are leaving academia and joining a job where you would be paid for your work, do you think you will be able to cope with the workload, given your addiction to computer games.

Taal: Sir.....These are all hypothetical situations. Besides even those games do prepare us for the real world you see. Once you become so engrossed in them that you forget that you are in a virtual world. Then you try to survive against all hardships and devise great strategies under stressful environment. (takes a pause)

First give me the job and then you will see if I can perform or not. You see when I was just a good boy in school people wondered if I was impotent or not. But now one look at the floor under the table at my room and everyone's doubts are put to rest. My friends now say that if a girl were to just enter my room she would be fertilized.

HR Interviewer: (sniggering) Did they now? So what do your Mom and Dad say when they come to your room?

Taal: I just put a whole load of newspaper over the area before they arrive and they don't notice.

HR Interviewer: now tell me why do you want to join this company?

Taal: (in a monotonous mugged up voice) Sir you company does consulting. That is what I am interested to do ever since I came to IIT. Its a very interesting job. I live consulting, eat consulting, drink consulting, sleep consulting. Your firm is one of the biggest in the business. You provide very good perks and good package. So I would definitely like to join your company.

Also you said in the ppt that your company has a sex ratio of 40:60

HR Interviewer: So, do you want to ask anything else regarding the job profile or our company in case you get selected?

Taal: Actually yes Sir. Sir why don't you provide compensation for to-and-fro train fare from my home?

HR Interviewer: (baffled look) If you have attended our Pre Placement Talk you must know that We are providing to-and-fro Air Fare. Do you want to travel by train? I am sure that can be accomodated for once you join the company.

Taal: hmmmmmm (scratches his head and belly again) No need. I think I will prefer travelling by air only. But still you should provide for the train fare as well. (HR Interviewer can't contain himself and starts to laugh which he manages to sound like a cough)

HR Interviewer: Thank you. Mr....aah Mr. Mondal. You may leave now.

Taal: Thank you Sir (starts to stand up then sits down again)

Sir do u mind if I sit  for a while. My legs are paining and here there is AC.

HR Interviewer: yeah! Of course! In any case I need a break. (rushes off to tell his colleagues)

(after a while Taal comes out of the room)

His friends ask: dude! Kaisa hua be?

Taal: haan thik hai. Mil jane ka chance hai. Par kya sab HR chutiyaapaaa.

….........................................(BTW he gets the job)

Disclaimer:This is purely a work of fiction. All the stories told here are only partly true. Don't judge Taal from this piece of fiction. He is a great person, a good friend and a sexy man.  If you find any spelling or grammatical error in the dialogues of Taal, they have been deliberately put. Any other mistake, you are welcome to point out.

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