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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Taal's Conversations: Volume II: Part I:

TAAL's marriage is being fixed. Its an arranged marriage (what else did you expect from an IITian?) So one fine day he and his family visits a prospective bride's home. After the usual Suraj Barjatiya's style cliched chit-chat and snacks(where as usual the girl's mother proudly proclaims how good a cook she is and Taal is positively delighted at the abundance of "luchi" (Puri). He instantly digs into the plate and stuffs a handful (more than 20, less than 30) into his mouth), the parents decide that the prospective bride and the groom should have some time to interact with each other, discuss a few things privately. So, the girl (lets call her XXX (No need to exercise your over-enthusiastic imagination over the significance of selection of such a name. It just is)) is asked by her parents to show Taal, the majestic view of the neighbourhood from their roof.

Presently Taal and XXX departs the room.

Part 1:

Scene: Rooftop. Enter Taal and XXX

XXX: (awkward silence)

TAAL: (awkward silence)

XXX: Its a nice view, as you can surely appreciate.

TAAL: (trying to look at the next building. But suddenly the woman living next door comes with a handful of washed clothes and starts to hang them over a railing ( to dry) in the verandah. Taal has to avert his gaze consciously (He can hardly look at married women right in front of his prospective bride)) Yes, It is.

XXX: (notices Taal consciously averting his gaze) So, My father tells me you are a Project Leader at ******* Company

TAAL: Yes. I did my graduation at IIT Kharagpur in Computer Science and Engineering. Then I did my MBA from IIM Bangalore. Its there that I got the job.

(trying to impress) Now that I have just been promoted, I can very well say its a very rewarding job. I get around 3 lakhs per month in hand along with a lot of perks. Its been a good life.

XXX: (really interested now) Wow!

TAAL: (with a satisfied smirk) waisa kuch nahi. bas chalta hai. What about you? what do you do?

XXX: I have just completed my MBA. I haven't joined any job because my father thought it would be better if I had a job in the city where I will be living in after my marriage.

TAAL: Yes. Mumbai is a good place to be. Lots of jobs are readily available. I can sure get you one anytime. By the way, I must congratulate you on your awesome cooking abilities. The Puris were heaven. I am totally stuffed.

XXX: (thinking, must thank Hindustan snacks later) Thank you. So tell me about yourself.

TAAL: Well, I am as you can a see, a free thinking person. I am not at all conservative or orthodox. I am a very friendly type of a guy. Anyone can talk to me about anything. I have this group of friends who talk about nothing all day long

XXX: what do you mean by nothing?

TAAL: Oh, all sorts of rubbish stuff like girls, porn, etc etc. Never mind that. Tell me about yourself. You are quite beautiful. Didn't you have any boyfriends in college?

XXX: Yes of course. I have had two failed relationships. And you?

TAAL: (sounding disappointed) Nah. Never found a suitable beautiful girl.

(now he is coming in form) You see some girls have a beautiful face but not much of a body. Some of the others have nice curves but you can't look at their faces. I was unlucky in this particular aspect.

XXX: (aghast) But in love you should look beyond mere looks

TAAL: But before that you need to be attracted to someone. Without looks how can you be?

XXX: (Unconvinced) Still..(trying to divert the topic) So what characteristics do you expect in your wife?

TAAL: Not much. She should be beautiful. That you are. So no reason to worry. I don't have much of a choice in these matter. I usually end up liking what people like. You see, that is why I sat for both the engineering as well as the medical entrance exams after my plus two. Then I went to IIT as was the norm. There I studied CS which was again the most sought after branch. Then having done nothing throughout engineering, I decided to sit for CAT as many people like me in IIT was doing. I finally ended up in IIM B. So you see I don't have much of a personal preference. In fact whenever I eat out with my friends I end up ordering those dishes that my friends order. Even right now the trousers I a wearing, I bought it because one of my friend bought the exact same thing when we went to shopping together. Now that was a mistake on my part because I should have at least checked whether the size was fit for me, because the crotch region is too tight. (rubbing the crotch)

TAAL: Anyways why did your relationships fail?

XXX: Those were good for nothings guys. They only played guitar, smoked a lot, and every now and then ended up drunk in a bar or a pub. Nobody gave a damn about their careers.

TAAL: (satisfied) Hmm. too bad. I only smoke or drink occasionally that too only when someone offers me one. Do you drink?

XXX: Yes, occasionally.

(a long pause in search of a topic)

So what are your future plans?

TAAL: Haven't planned much ahead except that I want six kids. You see I am an AOE 2.0 B addict. Its really difficult to find people to play an online 4x4 game. For that I need 8 players. Including myself and my wife I need those six kids to play the game. I have even thought of their nicks. My friends lovingly call me Taal. So my kids can easily be named as Taal 2.0, Taal 3.0 and so on. Or would you like them to be Taal 2.0 A, Taal 2.0 B, and so on. You can be Taali.

XXX: (mouth has dropped open. Taking some time to digest it and trying to decipher if he is joking. So she attempts a joke herself) what if one of the kids is a girl?

TAAL: (seriously) Segmentation Fault?

XXX: (trying to recover from the shock and avoid the topic) Do you have a car?

TAAL: No I haven't bought any till date. You see with a family of eight any car won't do. So I have planned to buy an eight seater autorickshaw.

XXX: (shocked) I am not sure if I want to have your kids.

TAAL: They don't need to be my kids, as long as there are six of them.

XXX: (now convinced that the whole things was a joke, though it wasn't) You sure are a funny man.

TAAL: Yeah that I am. I was usually the clown at my hostel. Yeah I remember how it all started. I remember the first day of my life when I watched a panu (porn). I watched it along with a few of my friends, one of whom was Shuddha.The very next day when I woke up, I realized I craved for more. So even before brushing my teeth I rushed off to Shuddha's room and announced, "Chol Shuddha Panu dekhi". Then we used to live in double rooms. Shuddha shared his room with Sumit. In all my excitement I hadn't noticed the pair of polished shoes sitting at the base of the chair. Shuddha being the psycho he is, immediately burst into raucous laughter. Then I realized my folly. It was Sumit's father sitting at the chair. He had come to visit Sumit that very day and here I was announcing, lets watch porn. It was so embarrassing. I left the room in a hurry. Then I thought deeply how to salvage the situation. I came back after a while and said,"Shuddha panur sorir khub kharap re. chol ekbar dekhe ashi"

Well, since then I have been a constant source of entertainment for people around me. You would think It is a very nice personality trait now. wouldn't you?

XXX: (unable to contain the bursts of laughter trying to come out and tries to divert her attention to a murder of cawing crows sitting over a nearby tree in the garden, its branches overlooking the roof. Presently a crow dropping lands on Taal's head. Now she can't control it anymore and bursts out laughing)

TAAL: (feeling too satisfied at humouring the girl to notice mundane things like crow droppings over his head) Yes,mostly there have been some such quite embarrassing incidents. But in hindsight It was all good fun.

XXX: (still laughing) Tell me more

TAAL: (delightedly) There was this one time when we were traveling to Bangalore with my friends in relation to an academic tour organized by the JBNSTS, a scholarship I had won. We were traveling in second class and it was too hot. So I had taken off everything I was wearing except for a pair of shorts. Now, you must know how nuisance the eunuchs are on the South Eastern Railway Lines. I didn't know it then and found it out the hard way. A group of eunuchs came to our compartment demanding money. I am not much for giving out alms just like that. So I decided to simply ignore them and look straight ahead. But the eunuchs on noticing me sitting bare body in shorts only, took an undue amount of fascination for me. They started to kiss me and molest me. They tried to press my nipples. But all I could do was to sit straight-backed and look ahead. It was difficult to ignore them. Fortunately our guide paid them and they left soon, but not before kissing once again on my cheek. I was so relieved to watch their backs. I was like Oh Em Ef Gee!(OMFG)

Wait! this isn't a funny story. Why did I tell that?

XXX: (Her eyes are bulging out in amazement) wow!

TAAL:  Forget it ever happened.

XXX: (in an undertone) highly unlikely. (thinking: its going straight to my FB note)

TAAL: (scratching the top right side of his head with his left hand and suddenly finding out something sticky over the region. He brings down the palm and finds something wet and sticky on his fingers. He brings the fingers close to his nose and tries to smell the stuff. Finding the smell quite disgusting, he realizes what has happened) Where is the bathroom? I need to go to the bathroom immediately

XXX: (noticing all of this, looks disgusted) Yes, let me show you the way

Taal and XXX depart. scene ends

Disclaimer: This piece is as a result of continued demands of people wanting to know more about our favourite real life character. Apologies to Arit for being the hypocritical, shameless and ungrateful friend taking advantage of his magnanimity. (what else do I do with so much time to kill and a dark uncertain future ahead). Comments are welcome but remember that comparisons with previous notes are very unfair because I am not a writer or an author, having zero experience in these matter. This time I am tagging all of those who have commented on the previous posts. Please point out any grammatical or spelling errors if any.

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