The Story of ME

Another year ends and instead of feeling exuberant, optimistic and anticipatory I feel pessimistic, pathetic, cynical, totally unhappy, stagnated, jealous- Yes put together all the unsavoury words in here that you can think of and then you get the idea of how I feel. So I decided to bare it all. Here's my story then folks- totally uncut, uncensored, real to the core. I won't blame you if you can't read it through. Only one request- Don't ever speak to me on this topic!

People often ask this question: How are you?
Now since I am sick and tired of replying, "I'm fine", which is totally untrue, I decided to tell the truth,which is ever unchanging in my case. 

No I am not fine at all. I am 22 years old, about to become an engineer, studying in one of the "premier" institutions of the world. But, yes there is always that BUT in bold. But, I am still a virgin, I haven't had a girlfriend since puberty, I don't particularly excel in academia or extra curricular activities simply because of  the lack of interest, and there is this constant competition between which one goes faster: my receding hairline or my ever growing waistline. On top of that I am broke. I can hardly loan anymore money from the evergreen bank- my father because I feel truly guilty about not being able to fulfill all the dreams of my parents. After all a bank provides you with the loan only if you do something worth doing with the money and you are able to pay it back along with the interest. It makes all the more worse in my case because its hard earned money by my father. So here I am, lonely in my room, fretting over all the missed opportunities at school where at least I had some tiny amount of standing. 

So what do I do the whole day? 

All I do is watch a few movies, a few episodes of a TV Series, masturbate a few time to a pornographic film and read a few pages of a novel- mind you, having done that all throughout these last five years, the best movies, TV Series, porn and books have become mightily scarce. So these days more often than not I pick up a run of the mill garbage and end up pulling out my pubic hair in disgust! (you see I can't pull off my hair on the head because most of the time I keep my head shaved in order to retain whatever tidbits of hair is left, so that at least on the day of reckoning I get to grow my hair and be presentable).

Now when you realize all this the first question that comes to your mind must be "Why don't you do something about this? Take one problem at a time and work hard over it. Surely you will succeed." Now there's the catch. I am fucking tired of working hard! I worked too hard to clear an exam in 2006, only to land in this situation. Its not that those who failed to clear that exam are faring badly today. Most of them are successful in their endeavours. And if I had chosen a lesser university, with my abilities ,I was sure to prosper. Remember that thing about being the big fish in the small pond rather than the small fish in the big lake.

About that girlfriend situation, it simply can't be remedied. Because all the good ones were already taken when I was busy convincing myself the best of the lot will come running to me when I get a job package of a million rupees. That wet dream did not materialize. Now, its very difficult to change one's nature. So despite understanding the importance of having an intelligent girl in one's life, one always wants the hot one. Today the hot ones are taken long back. And the intelligent ones are busy with their lives which are far more successful than mine. So why the fuck would they choose me! Also I have long since surrendered over the fact that I simply cannot impress a girl! I don't have money, so I can't take her to movies and restaurants. I am a total psychopath, so I don't understand emotions and hence can't help a girl with "emotional support". And I don't have the looks to impress a girl. Only option left is what you used to take when you were a kid. Given a problem, come running to your parents to get it solved and keep on crying until its done.Yes, I am talking about asking the parents to choose a suitable girl for me and get my marriage arranged. There are too many problems with marriage and especially arranged marriage. You can't dump the girl even if you dislike her. What if the sex itself isn't enjoyable? and on and on...the list of problems is immense. Not to mention the fact that right now being unemployed, there is absolutely no chance I can marry!

After reading all this (I doubt anyone can read all this- its more like whining  of an adolescent kid) you will say, "What a frustrated and desperate guy this is!" Don't say it! I already know that and it doesn't alleviate my pain.

Disclaimer: Yes I am a douche bag and an asshole. Beware of me. And NO I am not going to commit suicide and rid the world of a burden.

About another legend: Jacques Kallis

At the moment I am writing this blog post, the current Jacques Kallis cricket statistics read as follows:

Tests:

Matches: 143 Innings as a batsman: 242 Runs: 11650 Batting average: 56.82
Strike Rate: 45.12 100s: 38 50s: 54
Innings as a bowler: 238 Wickets: 269 Best bowling Innings: 6/54 Best bowling match: 9/92 Bowling average: 31.95 Economy: 2.83 Strike Rate: 67.6 5 wickets: 5

One Day Internationals:

Matches: 307 Innings as a Batsman: 293 Runs: 11002 Batting Average: 45.84
Strike Rate: 72.77 100s: 17 50s: 80
Innings as a bowler: 307 Wickets: 259 Best bowling Innings: 5/30
Bowling average: 31.90 Economy: 4.82 Strike Rate: 39.6 5 wickets: 2

Mind-Boggling aren't they? This old horse has been the most accomplished accumulator ever of runs and wickets in both forms of the game. Talk about consistent performance and he sets the standards in cricket- whatever maybe the form of it- be it batting, bowling or even catching (He has tremendous reflexes as a slip catcher) What awes me most is his record of being the only cricketer ever to have scored over 11000 runs and taken over 250 wickets in both forms of the game. Surely the greatest All-Rounder ever?

But people won't admit that ever. They love to romanticize about Sir Garfield Sobers, Keith Miller, The golden Quadret of Richard Hadlee, Imran Khan, Kapil Dev and Ian Botham. Even Shaun Pollock would be rated a better All-Rounder than Kallis. Now why is that?

That is because we love impact. The glamour of quick scoring, hitting the ball out of the park, a fearsome fiery spell in fast bowling- this is what appeals to us. We don't appreciate the gradual process of accumulating runs and tirelessly bending the back over after over on a flat track for a wicket. That is what Jacques Kallis does. And boy does he excel in it? Refer to his awesome statistics.

Ask anyone to build an all-time XI in any form of the game and he would consider the cricketers I mentioned above to Kallis. Because winning is the key to success. But ask anyone to save a test match, He will ask Kallis to bat for his life.

So hats off to the great man who has been the mainstay of the South African cricket team for a decade and more.

And here is a statistical analysis for those who believe in statistics only: http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/current/story/495719.html 

Now because I can't resist a relevant quip here it is: open Google Pakistan and write Jacques Kallis in the search box. Have a look at the relevant popular searches! Watch out for the amazing things the Pakistanis generally associate with Kallis and search!

What you get to know if you are observant enough

Here is a collection of excerpts I managed to overhear during my interactions with the "aam janta" (no offense, but we do belong to the elite class of the society). As Dabanggshu said, these are priceless things, can't be bought by master card!

• This happened at a saloon at KGP.

Man1: Do you know who is the closest person to a man? 

Man2: Mother? 

Man1: Man! are you naive or what? Its his wife. in fact the next closest is the mot...her-in-law. That is why Mr. so and so went for a vacation with his wife and mother-in-law. Ask him if he ever took his mother for a vacation? 

Man2: did he now? (guffawing) 

Man1: So why do u keep that minuscule photo of ur mother over the speedometer of ur bike. 

Man2: (shamelessly)whenever my mind gets distracted with impure thoughts I look at that photo to get a hold of my wild imaginations!

• This happened the next time I visited the same saloon

Problem:

Man1: Did u hear that daughter of Mr. so and so committed suicide last week?

Awesome out of the world solution:

Man2: no. Wasn't she like only 14 or 15? But I am not surprised. That entire colony has gone down the drains. That is why I say get them girls married as soon as possible.

 

Each of the characters here are different in different incidents. I will keep updating this post as soon as I come across any such rare gems...So watch out for the updates. You are of course welcome to share any such gems you yourself have come across in the comments section.

Dedicated to my friends at IIT Kharagpur

Having gone to study at IIT Kharagpur, a very weird place, I have had the fortune to be friends with and grow up with a lot of interesting characters. Here is my final tribute to you guys. Life couldn't have been more bearable without you people....I love you guys (Really! Whatever you might assume the phrase means :P)

Taal:

Enough has been said about him at:

1. http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/10/taal-on-job-interview.html
2. http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/10/taals-conversations-volume-two-part-1.html
3. http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/12/taal-conversations-volume-ii-part-ii.html

Dadu:

Enough can never be said about him. To get just a glimpse of the sheer vastness of what he represents visit:

1. http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/10/all-and-anything-about-dadu.html
2. http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/10/sample-piece-of-gtalk-chat-between-god.html

Julie:

                        Me: Man! Is this easy or what!

                        Julie: Obviously!

                        Me: Dude....This is so difficult

                        Julie: Obviously!

                        Me: Come on People. You won't see anything more amazing than 

                               this!

                        Julie: Obviously!

                        Me: This is disgusting. It stinks!

                        Julie: Obviously!

                        Me on Julie: One of the regrets of my life is that I have miserably 

                                               failed to amaze you. Everything is so obvious to you.

• Its a real pity that Arthur Dent never met this guy otherwise he would have understood why its so glaringly obvious that the answer to everything is 42.

• He has been my neighbour for four years..............one could hear him through my walls, exchanging affection with his girlfriend over the phone. Some really inhumane weird sounds come out!

• He is the possessor of an immense head...........the best compliment to his head was given by none other than the legendary Taal. Once while playing cricket one of the guys accidentally hit Julie's head with the cricket bat. There was a loud sound and everyone rushed to see what happened. People went into a frenzy to get some ice or cold water whatever they could find , unable to determine the extent of the injury. The unperturbed Taal says “Oh Em Gee! Dude how hard your huge head is!” (Ki sokto matha re baba)

• He likes to wear a Tee-Shirt proclaiming “No Job No Girlfriend No Problem” , after getting a job, a girlfriend and hence the biggest problems.

• He is immensely attractive to girls............I can't even remember the number of girls asking me who the guy was in my photos.

• He has a love-hate relationship with Thermal science and engineering...................he can't help but open a random book of thermodynamics lying around even while playing 29. He also got De-registered in the Air-Conditioning course for bunking classes. What happened was that, he was given a warning to attend all subsequent classes, else he would be de-registered. But we couldn't give him the warning because he had gone off to Kolkata to date his girlfriend and wouldn't receive our frantic calls. When the next class arrived duly, he was busy elsewhere making dramatic promises to his betrothed and hence he got de-registered.

• He is the probably the only guy in the history of IIT to fail in a subject he specifically took as additional. (He took it in order to LEARN the subject)

• He is a bad cheater especially in a mathematics examination. If its a mathematics examination, he has got to cheat, and inevitably he is caught. The last time he got caught, he was taken to the  examination control room in the special bus the invigilators travel (just like how the condemned is brought to the jail) and then made to grovel and beg and commit unspeakable "xxx" rated acts (just like how prisoners are treated in a jail). Only then he was excused. 

• He doesn't listen to a song unless its at the very least forty years old. Anything new- he rejects them outright. When he hears a song, he doesn't ask whose it is. He asks in which year it was made. If its the seventies, well and good. If its the sixties, man! can it be any better. If its last month, its plain trash!

• He rides a cycle which is a legend in itself. He bought the cycle second hand courtesy suggestion of the all knowing "Chap".The result-once while riding the cycle there was a sudden perturbation around its awesome halo, like when the signal doesn't come clearly in a television. Next we see him on all fours upon the road with the parts of the cycle strewn every where, and the wheels still rolling away aimlessly. Since then he had to spend more on the cycle than he had to spend had he bought a new one.

•  He loves alcohol. But he can't drink because of the single most awesome reason on the planet- he is allergic to alcohol. Every time he drinks, the next morning his palms itch like hell in addition to the splitting headache.

• And he is a pervert.........I can't elaborate on this anymore in a public forum :P

Suman the Demon:

              Ashim: Did you read the latest article about space-dust?

              Julie: Where? Send me the link.

              Suman: I don't believe in space-dust. Its just a myth

              Ashim and Juile: Man! Where do you live these days? Wanna bet if it 

                                         exists or not?

              Suman: Okay. I bet.

              A quick google search and Suman is proved wrong.

              Suman: You keep your funda to yourself. Let me keep my funda to 

                            myself.

              Dabanggshu (on hearing this episode): Thank our fates that this guy 

                                   doesn't believe in religion. Else he would have been the
                                   fundamentalist declaring Jehad on the general atheist IIT
                                   population

                             

 

              Aftereffect on facebook: Ashim declares “Sudipto is the GOD and
                                                          Suman is his PROPHET. Bow before the
                                                          PROPHET"

                                          

• Nothing or Nobody can convince him anything he doesn't want to believe.  If he believes in something you do too, just put him in an argument you are losing and watch as the aggressors take cover from his missiles of sheer obstinacy. If you say, “See even Wiki says so”, his retort will be, “Give me five minutes and wiki will say whatever I say” (You see, Wikipedia can be edited!)

• He likes to maintain a very low Centre of gravity while standing by placing his feet as far apart as comfort permits and then stabilizes his frame by letting his hands oscillate like a compound pendulum.

• He took studies seriously till the third semester. That was the last time, he was found to attend classes sincerely and score eight points. Then he decided, “Enough is enough. The demon's got to watch the most obscure sports, movies and tv series available. Fuck studies”. And once the demon decides something, its impossible for the single input memory to process something else. Hence he remains the only guy to have completed the unwatchable TV-Series "Ghost Whisperer". And still nobody could make him watch the highly watchable "Lord of the Rings".

In short he provides the essence in “obstinate” and “stubborn” with his generic favourite dialogue: “Pull off your pubic hair” (That punch doesn't come out that well in English. In Bengali its “Baal Cher”)

Bera: 

The most likable guy on the planet simply because he never has any opinion on anything at all.

Here is the most famous related incident:

We were playing cricket. And our rule was not to hit above the balcony line of the blocks of our hall to avoid shattering the windows. If one hits above it he is declared out. As usual an argument breaks out once someone hits the ball very close to the balcony line. 

People decide, “Okay this guy is the most honest of the lot. Let's ask him and we will all abide by what he says”.
Us: So what do you say Bera? Where did the ball hit?

Bera: It hit above the line.............or it hit below the line.............or it hit on the 

          line.     

Me: Dude, that's the entire sample space.

He has an opinion only when he is drunk. The first time he got drunk he came to my room with bloody eyes:

Bera: Man! I did a bottoms up! And see I am not drunk at all!
Me: Yes you are.
Bera: What the fuck makes you think I am? Explain!

Me: Alright! Alright! you are not drunk. Just stop screaming at the top of your
        lungs just to prove a point.

And he loves to predict.....no matter how many ludicrous those predictions are and how many times he is proven wrong!

While playing 29,
Bera: I predict hearts is the trump and Ashim has the Jack!
Julie: Obviously!

Now since I set the spades as trump and I had the Jack of hearts,

Me: I am gob-smacked! On what basis can you predict that?
Ashim (who is Bera's partner): Fucker doesn't know shit! Since last year he
                                                    hasn't uttered a single correct statement!

Ashim:

Ashim on Laxman of Ramayan: This guy was gay.

Us: WTF! where does this come from?

Ashim: The guy left his wife to live in the wilderness of the forests for fourteen 

            years, practicing celibacy, devoid of any female company except for the 

            wife of his brother Ram. Even his brother Ram knew him to be gay. That

            is why he could leave his beautiful wife with him on his expeditions to the 

            forests. Hence he must have been gay.

Us: LOGIC!

• He is the funny guy, the most serious guy, the most sentimental guy and the tempo guy.

• He never reads the instructions in the question paper despite repeated failings. Hence when we solve , say, four out of six questions as instructed, he solves all six of them and finds himself out of time. When we solve all multiple choice questions because there is no negative marking as instructed, he marks only those which he is absolutely sure of. When we solve a question by making numerous assumptions as instructed, he is unable to solve it because he doesn't know that fact.

• While batting he favours his hind side too much and lets most of the deliveries interact with his petite posterior.

• Born with the disability of having one testicle, he was utterly devastated when he came to IIT and realized guys actually possessed a pair. Actually he also possesses two testicles but one of them never descended and instead of descending, sometimes it pushes up, thereby causing the poor guy occasional pain in the chest, as the testicle pushes against the diaphragm. That is the only time the guy can't attend a class. Otherwise he attends every class, studies regularly and scores in the respectable region of the GPA spectrum.

• Another physical disability that plagues the poor guy is the absence of body hair.

• After reading this, he pinged me on gtalk to ask me to mention that he is also dyslexic. He always arranges cards in reverse order and picks up things and drops them in the wrong place.

Man! Pity on him!No doubt the aim in his life in his own words is “Getting Fucked”.

Dabanggshu:

• The funda guy. There isn't a thing in the world that he doesn't know of. If you could point out such a thing, I am ready to bet a hundred bucks, he will come out of his room a day or two later, having memorized everything wikipedia or the first page of a google search has to say about the topic, and then beat you at your own game. He loves wikipedia so much that he has already decided what to call his child. If its a boy he will be called “wiki”. If its a girl, she is going to be called “wikipe”. The sign outside his room says: “Beware of funda". That's because if you ignore it and get into his trap of being the listener to his never ending funda session, a hour or two later you will be found crawling out of his room in all fours crying and pleading, “Leave me be man! What did I ever do to you to deserve this. Boo-oo-hoo”. And often we have found such people being dragged back by their hair, back into his lair and Dabanggshu saying triumphantly, “Wait! Man. There is more on the related subject. Patek Philippe produces the best skeletal watches....!” 

        In a related incident once Prithvi got a SOS call from Pronoy.

        Pronoy: SAVE ME Dude! Please come to my room and save me from this

                     onlaught

        Prithvi: Why? What has happened?

        Pronoy: Dude, I can't tell you that. If I tell you, you are not going to come

        Meanwhile Prithvi could hear a drunk Dabanggshu going on in the

        background, "Fuck man! I have got class. I am going to build a 200,000 $ 

        wardrobe. It will only consist of Saville Row suits. And I am going to wear a 

        Breguet to go with the suits. What do you think? Should I drive a 

        Continental or a Phantom?"

        Needless to say Prithvi leaves Pronoy to his woes. 

       

       

       

• But he does have this habit of exaggerating things in the heat of the moment. For example, one fine morning he comes knocking at our doors. We open our door to find him claiming, the length of his tool to be 7.5 inches, that too ,double start, right handed cork screwed at a helix angle of 85 degrees and aligned along an axis which has a projection along all three coordinate planes.........So we decided to go back to sleep and away from the living nighmare.

Psycho:

One fine morning, he comes knocking at our door excitedly.....We open the door to find this unfold:

Psycho: Guys, I have found out that Microsoft Word has the symbol for 

              “middle-finger”

Us: Impossible! Where?! Show us!

Psycho: Here! Come with me to my lappy!

He shows us the symbol.

Us: Dude that's the mathematical symbol for “perpendicularity”

Me: Dude. I learned geometry before reaching puberty. “Perpendicularity” came 

       to me before the concept of middle-finger. I guess, the same thing happened 

       to you. Despite that how could you look at a symbol for “perpendicularity” 

       and decide its the symbol for middle-finger?

Psycho: :|

• He believes in a binary world where everything is represented by these two things: Dick and Pussy

• He is always horny and has a collection of 1 TB of Pornography. (He is our source).

• Imagine, the rest of us having a healthy discussion on anything in this world unrelated to anything sexual or erotic (yes, guys are capable of having such a discussion). Now this guy joins in, and a word or two later we are discussing sex.

       Ashim: I got this job at HSBC. Dunno what my job entails....

       Bera: Most Probably you are going to have to analyze data and stuff.....

       Psycho joins in...

       Psycho: Dude you are going to ANALize!!! Man! Ha Ha Ha

       So we decided to play this betting game where the three of us- me, Julie and  

       Dabanggshu would discuss something in front of Psycho. And the one who 

       can utter the maximum number of sentences without being diverted towards 

       anything sexual wins. Its suffice to say that we all lost because Psycho 

       started the discussion with strap-ons and ended only when Julie received a 

       call from his girlfriend, Dabanggshu got a mail from his professor and I 

       decided to watch a kid's movie for the day.

More on these characters and more characters coming up! Keep checking this page for updates!

Disclaimer: Its all a result of the bhaat sessions where we let our imaginations run a bit too wild. I hope no lingering harm is done.

Taal Conversations: Volume II: Part II

Part 2:

(Here is the link for the Part1: http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/10/taals-conversations-volume-two-part-1.html)

Previous scene continued.....

XXX shows Taal the toilet. Taal goes in to wash off the sticky bird dropping on his hair. He closes the door. After tidying up his hair he decides to wash his mouth and freshen up (Don't ask me why? Maybe his breath stinks after such a heavy meal) So now the girl standing outside the door hears strange gurgling like sounds as if Taal is trying to give birth to a baby through the mouth!

Presently Taal comes out wiping his glasses in his handkerchief. XXX wonders why the guy looks different. The she notices the oddity was because he has tucked the Tee shirt in the trousers.

Taal: Shall we continue?

XXX: Beg your pardon?

Taal: Shall we go back to the roof or would you prefer your bedroom?

XXX: (with a horror stricken look) I think.....our parents are waiting for us in the living room

Taal: Don't bother. My parents have full faith on my capabilities

XXX: (thinking, is he talking about the same thing that I am imagining about?.....let me play it safe) Lets go to the roof back then.

Taal: (Disappointed and murmuring) Oh em Gee. There are lots of birds over there.

They go back to the roof

XXX: what did u say?

Taal: Oh. Nothing....... (awkward silence)

XXX: So what do you think of us?

Taal: (distractedly) Oh I never think of you. But I am a decent guy. Sorry, what were you asking again?

XXX: Forget it..Tell me about your job

Taal: I am in marketing. Basically its a lot of data crunching and stuff like that. You wouldn't understand. Even I don't.

XXX: (thinking, this guy gets paid so much for a job he doesn't even understand) I think I would. You see I am an MBA as well

Taal: yeah. Of course. Lets just leave it. Its an uninteresting topic. 

XXX: (in an irritated tone) Then tell me some of your clown stories from college

Taal: Okay. I have one right now. This one time we were playing a part of Mahabharat in one of our Hall drama session- one that involved the vastra haran of Draupadi. You see, I am a very good actor. So my friends insisted I play the central role of Draupadi. As you know Lord Krishna was supposed to supply the saree constantly until Dushshashan got tired of pulling it off. But my friends were real bastards. The guy who played Dushshashan made an underhand deal with the guy who played Krishna. And as a result, while on stage, the supply of saree was suddenly stopped and suddenly I was standing stark naked right in front of everybody present. Man, it was so embarassing! I gave the guys responsible a piece of my mind later. Nevertheless it was a good prank. I thought about it later and laughed a lot.

XXX: How can you appreciate such a thing when you are the victim?

Taal: Oh its nothing! I am the most important person in my friends' circle. Without me they have nothing. I like the importance they give me.

XXX: (murmuring) This is fucked up

Taal: Then one day, two of my wing mates came knocking at my door. I opened the door to find them holding a packet full of what seemed like hair. The guys said "we are collecting pubic hair of all the people of the wing and we have come for yours." I wasn't in a great mood and I got so enraged that I started yelling at them. I was like, “Every thing's got a limit. You shouldn't cross that limit. What would happen if I did the same thing to you?” And then I closed the door on their face. But these guys were really the biggest bunch of jackasses you would come across. Once it was night and I had slept off, they slipped all that hair under the door. It was summers. So the fan was at full speed. And all that hair spread all over my room. I woke up with bits off hair stuck in my face, mouth and where not. I was so angry I swear I could have killed them. But they were nowhere to be found. As the day wore on, my anger subsided.

Later I found out it wasn't pubic hair at all. One of my friends had grown a great length of beard for six months and he had shaved the previous day. It was that same hair. So you see, even though they said it was pubic hair it wasn't. And my anger wasn't justified. It was all good fun

XXX: Dear God...Don't you understand this simple thing that you are the centre of every prank they play? Why the hell would you want to put up with these nincompoops?

Taal: No. No. Its not like that. Even they put up with me. You see, I like spanking people in their butts. They never complained about my sexual advances towards them. They took it in stride and laughed about it. So it is indeed fair and square.

(Suddenly the lovely couple is interrupted as XXX's mother arrives with tandoori chicken)

XXX's mother: I thought I would bring this up since you two seem to bond so well...you people have been talking for ages.

(And with that typical dialogue she departs)

Taal: Nice. I will have the leg piece

(XXX who had grabbed the leg piece and was about to take a chunk of it drops it and grabs the other piece)

Taal: (while eating) Enooofhavt mhe thailllmhe ahavt youyrsleve

XXX: Pardon????

Taal: (after swallowing) enough about me. Why don't you tell me about yourself?

XXX: I never had such an interesting life as yours.

Taal: come on! You have been in and out of relationships. It couldn't be more interesting with all that sexual activity going on. Look at me! I am in my late twenties and still a veergeen.

XXX: Excuse me! What?

Taal: Oh its just a slip of tongue. I never could get rid of the habit to mispronounce words. I meant to say virgin but sometimes it still comes out like that. I remember a funny incident related to this. Once during one of the Bhaat sessions with my friends I mispronounced Gucci twice. First I said “juicy”. There were roars of laughter and this one guy, he was the most irritating of the lot, in fact so irritating that once I kept my gmail password as “shuddhachuddo”. Anyways he kept on bringing the topic again and again and I became very irritated. Come on man, anyone can make a mistake! So I asked him to fuck off and pull off his pubic hair. And would you believe it? This guy pulled off some of his pubic hair and handed it over to me!

XXX: (mouth lolling open) Okay I have lost my appetite. Lets head back to the living room.

Taal: Can I have your piece of chicken as well?

XXX: yeah. Go ahead.

XXX walks off spiritedly and Taal munches off her part of chicken with a contented smile on his face. A few moments later Taal's phone rings. He picks up the call. Its me calling him.

Me: Dude, how is the entire drama going on over there?

Taal: Oh man! I should do this more often. So much free food and on top of that you get to chat with a beautiful girl.

Me: Then marry her you buffoon!

Taal: wait wait. Dude this place is like heaven. I am on the roof and I can see this sexy neighbour. Man She has got a gorgeous ass............Oh Damn! She is married. That's her husband.It looks like he has caught me eyeing her.Gotta go......um will call you later man. Bye

And then its the dialtone..........

A few years later.......

Taal is married with the same girl and we are having this conversation with his wife at a reunion. Taal is not present. He is busy separating the mutton from the rice at the biriyani stand at the buffet.

Taal's wife: you people are not good friends. You always rip on him.

Us: Whoa! Its just innocent fun ma'am. No serious harm done.

Taal's wife: No you shouldn't do that! See how cute he is and you people don't appreciate him.

Us: (sniggering) Oh! We appreciate his cuteness alright.

Me to Shuddha: (whispering) So that's why she married him. The knight in shining armour syndrome. Pick up the cute puppy off the streets, try to make a hound out of him and then feel like the selfless saviour of the mythology.

Shuddha to me: (whispering) save your psychoanalysis for yourself. At least he is getting some. And as far as I can see you aren't.

Confession: Okay. Almost the whole of this story has been conjured. I feel both exhilarated and guilty for doing this. I am surely going to the Pastafarian hell for doing this to a friend. But I can't help it, even though in Taal's own words "Ai sala bokchod gulo sob kichur ekta limit ache kintu. Tor sathe jodi ami same jinis ta kori tokhono erokom daant kelabi naki? Bhag sala gandu. Sob kota sala chutiya". My only salvation lies in the fact that I know even if you don't admit it you like this as much as I do........

So keep commenting. Cheers!