Rajnikanth and Rajnikanth and....you get the idea

This is a collection of Rajnikanth jokes doing the rounds in the net these days. This is by no means original, comprehensive or complete. I guess most of the jokes have been recycled from the Chuck Norris jokes.

I will keep on updating this post as soon as I come across a new Rajni joke.

So here it goes:

1. Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
2. When Rajinikanth does push-ups, he isn't lifting himself up. ...He is pushing the earth down.
3. There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajini...kanth allowed to live.
4. Rajinikanth gave Mona Lisa that smile.
5. Rajnikanth can divide by zero.
6. Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
7. Rajinikanth can drown a fish.
8. Rajinikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.
9. Rajinikanth once got into a fight with a VCR player. Now it plays DVDs.
10. Rajinikanth can slam a revolving door.
11. Rajinikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants aretoday called giraffes.
12. Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
13. Rajinikanth can win at Solitaire with only 18 cards.
14. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajinikanth kicked one of the corners off.
15. Rajinikanth can build a snowman....... out of rain.
16. Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
17. Rajinikanth can make onions cry.
18. Rajinikanth destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Rajinikanth can watch the show 60 minutes in 20 minutes.
20. Rajinikanth has counted to infinity, twice.
21. Rajinikanth will attain separate statehood in 2013.
22. Rajinikanth did in fact, build Rome in a day.
23. Rajinikanth once got into a knife-fight. The knife lost.
24. Rajinikanth can play the violin with a piano.
25. Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
26. The only man who ever outsmarted Rajinikanth was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.
27. Rajinikanth can talk about Fight Club.
28. Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
29. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Rajinikanth lives in Chennai.
30. Rajinikanth kills Harry Potter in the eighth book.
31. Rajinikanth does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
32. Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
33. Rajinikanth doesn't move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Rajinikanth.
34. Rajinikanth knows Victoria's secret.
35. Water boils faster when Rajinikanth stares at it.
36. Rajinikanth can throw the Thackerays out of Mumbai.
37. Rajinikanth kills two stones with one bird.
38. Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
39. Rajinikanth gave the Joker those scars.
40. Rajinikanth leaves messages before the beep.
41. Rajinikanth once warned a young girl to be good "or else". The result? Mother Teresa.
42. Rajinikant electrocuted Iron Man.
43. Rajinikanth killed Spiderman using Baygon Anti Bug Spray.
44. Rajinikanth can make PCs better than the Mac.
45. Rajinikanth puts the 'laughter' in manslaughter.
46. Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
47. Rajinikanth can handle the truth.
48. Rajinikanth can speak Braille.
49. Rajinikanth can dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks.
50. Rajinikanth can teach an old dog new tricks.
51. Rajinikanth calls Voldemort by his name.
52. Who do you think taught Voldemort Parseltongue? Rajinikanth did.
53. Chuck Norris once met Rajinikanth. The result - He was reduced to a joke on the internet.
54. Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
55. Rajinikanth's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd,no one fools Rajanikanth.
56. Rajinikanth grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
57. The last time Rajinikanth killed someone, he slapped himself to do it. The other guy just disintegrated. Resonance.
58. Rajinikanth once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
59. Rajinikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
60. Rajinikanth can run at speed of light around a tree and screw himself.
61. Rajinikant can lick his elbows.
62. Rajinikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
63. Rajinikant does not get frostbite. Rajnikant bites frost.
64. Rajinikant doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
65. Rajinikant got his drivers license at the age of 16 seconds.
66. When you say "no one is perfect", Rajinikant takes this as a personal insult.
67. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
68. Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
69. The statement "nobody can cheat death", is a personal insult to Rajnikanth. Rajni cheats and fools death everyday.
70. When Rajnikanth is asked to kill some one he doesn't know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.
71. Rajinikant can give pain to Painkillers and headache to Anacin.
72. Rajinikanth knows what women really want.
73. Time and tide wait for Rajinikanth.
74. Rajinikanth sneezed only once in his entire life, that's when the tsunami occurred in the Indian ocean.
75. As a child when Rajinikanth had dyslexia, he simply re-scripted the alphabet.
76. Rajinikanth collects Honey from his private Moon - HoneyMoon.
77. Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
78. Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
79. Rajinikanth's brain works faster than Chacha Chaudhury's.
80. Rajinikanth doesn't shower. He only takes blood baths.
81. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Rajinikanth.
82. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Rajinikanth's fist.
83. Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajinikanth,there is no other way.
84. Rajinikanth's every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
85. Rajinikant doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint out of fear.
86. Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rajinikant".
87. There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was feeling cold, so brought the sun closer to heat the earth up.
88. Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
89. Rajinikanth is a champion in the game "Hide n' seek", as no one can hide from Rajinikanth.
90. Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
91. Rajinikant is a weapon created by God to use on doomsday to end the world.
92. Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
93. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get awayfrom Rajinikanth.
94. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
95. Rajinikanth's first job was as a bus conductor. There were no survivors.
96. Rajinikanth does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
97. When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world.
98. Rajinikanth's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
99. You dont google rajnikanth...u rajnikanth google.
100. Rajnikanth's email is gmail@rajnikanth.com
101. The world will not end in 2012, Rajnikanth has bought a computer with a 3 year warranty.
102. Even Ghajni remembers Rajni !!!
103. The day ROBOT was released, Rajnikanth gave Times of India a rating of 4 stars.
104. Micheal Jordan to Rajni - I can spin a basketball on my fingers for 2 hrs. Can u? Rajnikanth - Yenna Rascalla, How do u think earth spins?
105. Rajnikant.. once wrote his Autobiography - The book is today known as The Guiness Book of World Records!
106. While playing once Rajnikanth said "statue" to a girl..now its know as "Statue of Liberty
107. Rajnikanth to buy Facebook, he will be making one change in it, instead of 'like' he will put 'sooper'
108. Rajnikanth once rolled a dice and scored a 7.
109. Rajnikanth runs until the Treadmill gets tired.
110. Rajnikant got into a fight with Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pant for the rest of his life.
111. Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Rajnikanth and refused to pay him back.. That was the last time. After that no one saw Dinosaurs.
112. Rajni gives permission to Sachin to score those hundreds..
113. Alfred Noble won RAJNIKANTH award !
114. Rajnikanth knows who the mother is in How I met Your Mother.
115. When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on.... he turns the dark off.
116. Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
117. Rajnikant’s codes are never reviewed, if he makes an error, that’s an invention.
118. Rajnikanth can write into A READ ONLY FILE.
119. Rajnikanth does’t have a Twitter account, Because no one can follow him and he’s already following you.
120. Bullets dodge Rajnikanth.
121. If you spell Rajnikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajnikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
122. Rajnikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
123. The square root of Rajnikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajnikanth, the result is death.
124. Rajnikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life unless it gets in his way.
125. Once Rajnikanth sat for JEE. Even he could not clear it
126. Rajnikanth laughs at you and your silly jokes about him even before you think them up. So don't bother..
127. One night, while asleep, Rajnikanth was mumbling some random numbrs... Thats how the Log table was invented.
128. Some actor set benchmarks in cinema, Rajnikanth sets deskmarks.
129. Practice makes a man more like Rajnikant.
130. Once a girl lost her virginity...... Rajnikanth got it back!
131. Rajnikant once entered a hundred metre race. No surprises, he came first. But Einstein died. Because light came second.
132. Rajni once wrote a cheque, the bank bounced.
133. Once a 22 wheeler TATA truck crashed with Rajnikanth... Now, its Called Tata Nano!
134. Titanic crashed because it went in the wrong direction and hit Rajnikanth in his bathtub!
135. Once when Rajni sneezed in sleep, he caused the Big Bang.
136. Rajnikant has found a way to commit suicide.
137. One day Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Krissh, Ironman all went to Rajnikanth! WHY?? It was Teacher's Day.
138. What is Rajnikanth's fart called? Its called Rajnigandha.
139. In the year 2008, Rajnikanth lost his wallet... and the world went into recession.
140. Rajnikanth had died 20 years ago, but death hasn't been able to build up the courage to tell him yet.
141. Rajnikanth can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
142. Rajnikanth doesn't pay attention - attention pays him.
143. Rajnikanth stared at the sun for hours... the sun then finally blinked.
144. Rajnikanth once entered a race... he came first, second and third.
145. The missing piece of Apple logo was officially eaten by Rajnikanth.
146. Once Rajnikanth went to Kashmir during his childhood and started playing with the snow and made some small mounds of them... These are now what we call the 'Himalayas'.
147. For all C and C++ programmers, whenever a program doesn't work, just add this line to the top and see the difference: #include
148. Rajnikant planted the idea of making a movie called 'Inception' into Christopher Nolan's mind by getting into his dream.
149. Rajnikanth once designed a few papyrus-weights, we see them around Egypt now!!
150. Once Rajnikant took support from a pillar. Now it is called the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
151. The Mariana Trench is NOT a geological fault. Rajni was walking across the Pacific Ocean when his foot slipped in some slime.
152. why did rajnikant buy an acre of land with 4 wells in each corner?to play carom!!
153. BREAKING NEWS...!!NASA doesnt exist any more...Rajnikanth purchased all the rockets for DIWALI celebrations..!!
154. Rajnikanth's dog's kennel has a sign outside saying - dog is ok. Beware of the owner.
155. Facebook founder Mr. Mark Zukerberg is hospitalized....because Rajnikanth has "poked" him on facebook....!!!
156. How did Paul the oracle octopus die...He was asked to predict the death of Rajnikanth..!
157. once rajnikant tickled a kid. .. now that kid is known as Navjot singh sidhu.
158. Why does rajnikant wear sunglasses? To protect the sun
159. The last time Rajinikanth celebrated Diwali.. shooting stars filled the sky.. meteors fell on earth and dinosaurs became extinct.. He has stopped celebrating since.
160. Rajnikanth was supposed to play the lead role in Mission Impossible. He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the title wouldnt make any sense
161. Rajnikanth knows which came first, The Chicken or The Egg..
162. Rajnikanth tried to commit suicide, but failed… even Rajnikanth cannot kill Rajnikanth
163. There used to be a street named after Rajnikanth, but it was changed because nobody crosses Rajnikanth.
164. Rajnikanth did his nursery from seven different schools......today they are known as the IITs.  
165. once a guy tried to flirt with rajnikanth's daughter....Now that guy is Bobby DARLING

More Rajnikanth stories here: http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/11/rajnikanth-stories-volume-ii.html

Read more: http://www.poorjokes.in/search/label/Latest#ixzz14XEbJMAV
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

Credits belong to:
1.http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=157902557578579&id=1511542908&ref=mf
2.http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=449712306599&set=a.357953936599.159998.357504886599
3.http://www.facebook.com/pages/33-FACTS-ABOUT-RAJNIKANTH-LOL-D/123345801020922#!/pages/33-FACTS-ABOUT-RAJNIKANTH-LOL-D/123345801020922?v=wall

and thousands others on the net

Please point out if there are any repetitions for only Rajnikanth can keep track of all the jokes told and to be told.

Taal's Conversations: Volume II: Part I:

TAAL's marriage is being fixed. Its an arranged marriage (what else did you expect from an IITian?) So one fine day he and his family visits a prospective bride's home. After the usual Suraj Barjatiya's style cliched chit-chat and snacks(where as usual the girl's mother proudly proclaims how good a cook she is and Taal is positively delighted at the abundance of "luchi" (Puri). He instantly digs into the plate and stuffs a handful (more than 20, less than 30) into his mouth), the parents decide that the prospective bride and the groom should have some time to interact with each other, discuss a few things privately. So, the girl (lets call her XXX (No need to exercise your over-enthusiastic imagination over the significance of selection of such a name. It just is)) is asked by her parents to show Taal, the majestic view of the neighbourhood from their roof.

Presently Taal and XXX departs the room.

Part 1:

Scene: Rooftop. Enter Taal and XXX

XXX: (awkward silence)

TAAL: (awkward silence)

XXX: Its a nice view, as you can surely appreciate.

TAAL: (trying to look at the next building. But suddenly the woman living next door comes with a handful of washed clothes and starts to hang them over a railing ( to dry) in the verandah. Taal has to avert his gaze consciously (He can hardly look at married women right in front of his prospective bride)) Yes, It is.

XXX: (notices Taal consciously averting his gaze) So, My father tells me you are a Project Leader at ******* Company

TAAL: Yes. I did my graduation at IIT Kharagpur in Computer Science and Engineering. Then I did my MBA from IIM Bangalore. Its there that I got the job.

(trying to impress) Now that I have just been promoted, I can very well say its a very rewarding job. I get around 3 lakhs per month in hand along with a lot of perks. Its been a good life.

XXX: (really interested now) Wow!

TAAL: (with a satisfied smirk) waisa kuch nahi. bas chalta hai. What about you? what do you do?

XXX: I have just completed my MBA. I haven't joined any job because my father thought it would be better if I had a job in the city where I will be living in after my marriage.

TAAL: Yes. Mumbai is a good place to be. Lots of jobs are readily available. I can sure get you one anytime. By the way, I must congratulate you on your awesome cooking abilities. The Puris were heaven. I am totally stuffed.

XXX: (thinking, must thank Hindustan snacks later) Thank you. So tell me about yourself.

TAAL: Well, I am as you can a see, a free thinking person. I am not at all conservative or orthodox. I am a very friendly type of a guy. Anyone can talk to me about anything. I have this group of friends who talk about nothing all day long

XXX: what do you mean by nothing?

TAAL: Oh, all sorts of rubbish stuff like girls, porn, etc etc. Never mind that. Tell me about yourself. You are quite beautiful. Didn't you have any boyfriends in college?

XXX: Yes of course. I have had two failed relationships. And you?

TAAL: (sounding disappointed) Nah. Never found a suitable beautiful girl.

(now he is coming in form) You see some girls have a beautiful face but not much of a body. Some of the others have nice curves but you can't look at their faces. I was unlucky in this particular aspect.

XXX: (aghast) But in love you should look beyond mere looks

TAAL: But before that you need to be attracted to someone. Without looks how can you be?

XXX: (Unconvinced) Still..(trying to divert the topic) So what characteristics do you expect in your wife?

TAAL: Not much. She should be beautiful. That you are. So no reason to worry. I don't have much of a choice in these matter. I usually end up liking what people like. You see, that is why I sat for both the engineering as well as the medical entrance exams after my plus two. Then I went to IIT as was the norm. There I studied CS which was again the most sought after branch. Then having done nothing throughout engineering, I decided to sit for CAT as many people like me in IIT was doing. I finally ended up in IIM B. So you see I don't have much of a personal preference. In fact whenever I eat out with my friends I end up ordering those dishes that my friends order. Even right now the trousers I a wearing, I bought it because one of my friend bought the exact same thing when we went to shopping together. Now that was a mistake on my part because I should have at least checked whether the size was fit for me, because the crotch region is too tight. (rubbing the crotch)

TAAL: Anyways why did your relationships fail?

XXX: Those were good for nothings guys. They only played guitar, smoked a lot, and every now and then ended up drunk in a bar or a pub. Nobody gave a damn about their careers.

TAAL: (satisfied) Hmm. too bad. I only smoke or drink occasionally that too only when someone offers me one. Do you drink?

XXX: Yes, occasionally.

(a long pause in search of a topic)

So what are your future plans?

TAAL: Haven't planned much ahead except that I want six kids. You see I am an AOE 2.0 B addict. Its really difficult to find people to play an online 4x4 game. For that I need 8 players. Including myself and my wife I need those six kids to play the game. I have even thought of their nicks. My friends lovingly call me Taal. So my kids can easily be named as Taal 2.0, Taal 3.0 and so on. Or would you like them to be Taal 2.0 A, Taal 2.0 B, and so on. You can be Taali.

XXX: (mouth has dropped open. Taking some time to digest it and trying to decipher if he is joking. So she attempts a joke herself) what if one of the kids is a girl?

TAAL: (seriously) Segmentation Fault?

XXX: (trying to recover from the shock and avoid the topic) Do you have a car?

TAAL: No I haven't bought any till date. You see with a family of eight any car won't do. So I have planned to buy an eight seater autorickshaw.

XXX: (shocked) I am not sure if I want to have your kids.

TAAL: They don't need to be my kids, as long as there are six of them.

XXX: (now convinced that the whole things was a joke, though it wasn't) You sure are a funny man.

TAAL: Yeah that I am. I was usually the clown at my hostel. Yeah I remember how it all started. I remember the first day of my life when I watched a panu (porn). I watched it along with a few of my friends, one of whom was Shuddha.The very next day when I woke up, I realized I craved for more. So even before brushing my teeth I rushed off to Shuddha's room and announced, "Chol Shuddha Panu dekhi". Then we used to live in double rooms. Shuddha shared his room with Sumit. In all my excitement I hadn't noticed the pair of polished shoes sitting at the base of the chair. Shuddha being the psycho he is, immediately burst into raucous laughter. Then I realized my folly. It was Sumit's father sitting at the chair. He had come to visit Sumit that very day and here I was announcing, lets watch porn. It was so embarrassing. I left the room in a hurry. Then I thought deeply how to salvage the situation. I came back after a while and said,"Shuddha panur sorir khub kharap re. chol ekbar dekhe ashi"

Well, since then I have been a constant source of entertainment for people around me. You would think It is a very nice personality trait now. wouldn't you?

XXX: (unable to contain the bursts of laughter trying to come out and tries to divert her attention to a murder of cawing crows sitting over a nearby tree in the garden, its branches overlooking the roof. Presently a crow dropping lands on Taal's head. Now she can't control it anymore and bursts out laughing)

TAAL: (feeling too satisfied at humouring the girl to notice mundane things like crow droppings over his head) Yes,mostly there have been some such quite embarrassing incidents. But in hindsight It was all good fun.

XXX: (still laughing) Tell me more

TAAL: (delightedly) There was this one time when we were traveling to Bangalore with my friends in relation to an academic tour organized by the JBNSTS, a scholarship I had won. We were traveling in second class and it was too hot. So I had taken off everything I was wearing except for a pair of shorts. Now, you must know how nuisance the eunuchs are on the South Eastern Railway Lines. I didn't know it then and found it out the hard way. A group of eunuchs came to our compartment demanding money. I am not much for giving out alms just like that. So I decided to simply ignore them and look straight ahead. But the eunuchs on noticing me sitting bare body in shorts only, took an undue amount of fascination for me. They started to kiss me and molest me. They tried to press my nipples. But all I could do was to sit straight-backed and look ahead. It was difficult to ignore them. Fortunately our guide paid them and they left soon, but not before kissing once again on my cheek. I was so relieved to watch their backs. I was like Oh Em Ef Gee!(OMFG)

Wait! this isn't a funny story. Why did I tell that?

XXX: (Her eyes are bulging out in amazement) wow!

TAAL:  Forget it ever happened.

XXX: (in an undertone) highly unlikely. (thinking: its going straight to my FB note)

TAAL: (scratching the top right side of his head with his left hand and suddenly finding out something sticky over the region. He brings down the palm and finds something wet and sticky on his fingers. He brings the fingers close to his nose and tries to smell the stuff. Finding the smell quite disgusting, he realizes what has happened) Where is the bathroom? I need to go to the bathroom immediately

XXX: (noticing all of this, looks disgusted) Yes, let me show you the way

Taal and XXX depart. scene ends

Part 2: can be found here: http://sudiptophilosophy.blogspot.com/2010/12/taal-conversations-volume-ii-part-ii.html

Disclaimer: This piece is as a result of continued demands of people wanting to know more about our favourite real life character. Apologies to Arit for being the hypocritical, shameless and ungrateful friend taking advantage of his magnanimity. (what else do I do with so much time to kill and a dark uncertain future ahead). Comments are welcome but remember that comparisons with previous notes are very unfair because I am not a writer or an author, having zero experience in these matter. This time I am tagging all of those who have commented on the previous posts. Please point out any grammatical or spelling errors if any.




About My Personal RAJNIKANTH

In the leading up to the selection of the All Time XI by the Cricinfo Jurors and Readers, all the eminent personalities of cricket (prolific former players and the know-it-all cricket journalists) have been coming up with different types of World XI so that OUR GOD SACHIN TENDULKAR is excluded from them. Agreed that there are highly specific constraints to these teams but how do you exclude GOD from the universe? Its like giving a long speech on Life, Universe and Everything without once uttering 42. So here is my logic how SACHIN belongs to each of those World XI:

• The excluded by Gideon Heigh (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/481072.html) 

His logic is since Sachin Tendulkar has already been selected into the small group of players from whom Cricinfo is going to select the World XI, and he is just making up a World XI from among those excluded, He can't select Sachin Tendulkar. My logic is “Who the hell are you, mere mortal, to include or exclude Sachin Tendulkar. He can't be included or excluded. He just is. All you are required to do is choose the other ten players”

• Thrill-a-minute by Ian Chappell (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/481212.html)
  

Hey Loser, If you are not thrilled every minute by Tendulkar bowling, fielding, strolling, swimming, cooking, sleeping or even urinating (leave alone batting) then you are leading a pathetic life and you don't deserve to exist. Crawl away to some corner and die. The world would be relieved without you.

• Poetry in motion by Suresh Menon (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/482259.html)
  

When Sachin plays that backfoot punch through cover, have you heard of anything from anyone's mouth other than “wow”. Yes the mouth hangs open, with the tongue lolling and you wonder if that was more poetic than Shelley or Frost. So how come someone leaves out the LORD of Poets when they say the world was designed by the GOD churning out poetry (composing music) from every pore of his being.

• For your money (and your life) by David Frith (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/482114.html)
  

Ok. Ok. Conceded the guy has selected GOD (how can he not), but what the hell does he mean by refer to Bradman above? You can't refer to the innovation skill of GOD by saying "refer to Alva Edison above". Just like you can't include Rajnikanth in the top 10 list of Indian Actors and say "refer to Amitabh Bachchan above". Come on man, the guy IS RAJNIKANTH OF CRICKET.

• Nice guys finish first by Ramachandra Guha (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/483148.html)
  

Yes, I understand this guy's logic behind keeping out Tendulkar though. He is only considering those who finished first. But Sachin tendulkar never began nor did he finish. He and his innings just is, from the Big Bang till bad light at the end of the Universe.

• On the other hand by Mike Selvey (http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/482991.html)
  

His criterion being the player has to be left handed, Sachin Tendulkar naturally walks into the team. But sadly this guy is either misinformed or doesn't know that Sachin Tendulkar writes left handed as well as wipes his ass after taking a dump with his left hand. All these people should do proper research before selecting any such team. 



My Personal All-Time XI
:
Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Adam Gilchrist(Wk),Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar,Sachin Tendulkar.Any one dare challenge me? Hmpf!

Coutesy: Cricinfo, Faking News



Taal Conversations: Volume I: Taal on a Job Interview

Characters: HR interviewer, Taal

Taal enters the room

Taal: Good Morning Sir!

HR Interviewer: State your name and roll no. please

Taal: Sir, Taal

    Oh, seet (in an undertone)

Sir, Arit Taal Mondal

    bhak sala (in an undertone)

Sir, Arit Kumar Mondal

Roll No. 06CS1008 General

HR Interviewer: (gives a bamboozled look) Pardon.

Taal: What Sir? (scratching his head in an ungainly manner)

HR Interviewer: Did you say General?

Taal: Yes Sir. Many people think that I am SC because my title is Mondal. But sir I am General

HR Interviewer: Oh. Right. Here in our company we have strict meritocracy. You need not worry about whether you belong to a reserved category or not.

Taal: Good. I want to join your compaani. (HR Interviewer winces at the pronunciation)

HR Interviewer: So, Mr. Mondal what can you tell me about yourself?
Taal: Sir, you have my CV. Everything about me is there in it.

HR Interviewer: (with a sigh) But Tell me something about what kind of person you are.

Taal: I am 5 ft 7 and half inches tall, medium complexion, the power in my lenses are -3 and -3.5.

HR Interviewer: No tell me about yourself. Not your physical features.

Taal: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I am single.

HR Interviewer: (gives a quizzical look) So why are you single?
Taal: Sir, I could not find a suitable gf. Once I found a beautiful girl in a Puja Pandel. She looked like a Barbie Doll. She was standing with her mother. But I could not approach her.

HR Interviewer: (running out of patience now) You are quite good looking and you are a student at IIT. Some girls must have taken an interest over you.
Taal: (with a shy smile) Siiiir....you too!! Actually a few girls have proposed me. But they weren't that good looking. So I was forced to ignore them

HR Interviewer: (at the brink of pulling out his hair) So tell me about your strengths and weaknesses.
Taal: (in a monotone) My strengths are I am Intelligent, smart, a smooth talker, confident and I play football very well. My weaknesses are.....wait I don't have any.

HR Interviewer: (frowning) You must have some! Everyone has a weakness.

Taal: hmm. Let's see. Friends tell me I talk rubbish a lot

HR Interviewer: (in an undertone) understatement of the day. And apparently this guy outscored all the others in the written test and technical interview by a mile

Taal: what are u muttering Sir?

HR Interviewer: Never Mind. Tell me about a situation in your life when you displayed leadership skills

Taal: Leadership skills? (scratching his lower abdomen)

HR Interviewer: yes

Taal: Once I was playing gully cricket in my hall. I was the last batsman and I was given run out when we had only two runs to win. Even though we knew I was run out I fought fiercely against the opposite team. My team mates joined me. And I was given not out

HR Interviewer: (in an exasperated voice) How did you make them believe that you weren't out?

Taal: I said we won't play anymore and won't share the price of the ball that was bought the very day. Then I spanked a few of the players in the opposite team.

(distractedly) Yes. I remember spanking Bera and julie

HR Interviewer: (in an undertone) and he is gay

So you were essentially dishonest and then blackmailed your way out (in an outraged voice)

Taal: Sir its only gully cricket. Nobody was hurt. No wait! They only relented when I allowed them to grope my bottom. You see I have the sexiest butt in KGP.

HR Interviewer: (in an incredulous voice) you do realize that kind of behaviour in our company would land you in a money draining sexual harassment suit.

Taal: you must be joking Sir. See how soft my ass is (showing ass to the interviewer)

HR Interviewer: Ok Ok! Please sit down

Now tell me about a time when you got into a difficult position in your life and how you came out of it?

Taal: difficult position...Oh wait! Yes. Once I was traveling with some of my friends from Howrah to Kharagpur. It was 1:00 AM at night. Only long distance express trains were left. We had a general ticket. But the line at the general compartment was huge (HR Interviewer winces). So we decided to board a sleeper compartment. I had a bag with me. I and my friends stood near the door. I kept my bag near the door. As soon as a TT arrived my friends went away from him in different directions. But I just went into the bathroom. But since I was concerned that someone will take away my bag I had to peep through the semi-open bathroom door. All was going fine. However as we neared KGP a TT spotted me. I knew he was going to set a huge fine. I had the money in my wallet. If he asked me to show my wallet I would have no other way but to give him whatever I had. So to distract him I told him I also had a few friends who are traveling without proper tickets like me and I called them on mobile. They did not know what had happened and came to me. So they too were caught (all the while giving a wry smile) They began to argue and plead. In the meantime I took advantage of the distraction of the TT and took out all the money I had in my wallet and put it in my underwear (HR Interviewer is positively entertained by now. He is enjoying it)

HR Interviewer: Then what happened?

Taal: Then what! My friends kept on pleading and arguing. The TT went to fetch the Rail Police. In the meantime KGP arrived. Even before the train stopped we rushed off the compartment crossed the platform and rushed over the train lines to the next platform, then exited through the underground way (HR Interviewer giving a knowing smile now) So I had successfully come out of a difficult position
(in a disappointed tone) though I lost the few extra change in coins I had which fell through my underwear while I had to dash off.

HR Interviewer:  (looking thoroughly satisfied and giving a “you made my day” kind of look) We in our company work in a team. How do you do in a team?

Taal: Sir, I am a team man to the very core. In gully cricket whenever my team bats I take the initiative to bat first and whenever we bowl I make sure I bowl the most overs. Even while fielding I let my teammates field and I take the place of the umpire.

HR Interviewer: (looking at Taal's CV) you have an incredible Academic Record till Plus two level. Why did your results dwindle after that?

Taal: Sir, I took to computer games. And as such I could not perform that well in my examinations.

HR Interviewer: That's a remarkably honest admission. So now that you are leaving academia and joining a job where you would be paid for your work, do you think you will be able to cope with the workload, given your addiction to computer games.

Taal: Sir.....These are all hypothetical situations. Besides even those games do prepare us for the real world you see. Once you become so engrossed in them that you forget that you are in a virtual world. Then you try to survive against all hardships and devise great strategies under stressful environment. (takes a pause)

First give me the job and then you will see if I can perform or not. You see when I was just a good boy in school people wondered if I was impotent or not. But now one look at the floor under the table at my room and everyone's doubts are put to rest. My friends now say that if a girl were to just enter my room she would be fertilized.

HR Interviewer: (sniggering) Did they now? So what do your Mom and Dad say when they come to your room?

Taal: I just put a whole load of newspaper over the area before they arrive and they don't notice.

HR Interviewer: now tell me why do you want to join this company?

Taal: (in a monotonous mugged up voice) Sir you company does consulting. That is what I am interested to do ever since I came to IIT. Its a very interesting job. I live consulting, eat consulting, drink consulting, sleep consulting. Your firm is one of the biggest in the business. You provide very good perks and good package. So I would definitely like to join your company.

Also you said in the ppt that your company has a sex ratio of 40:60

HR Interviewer: So, do you want to ask anything else regarding the job profile or our company in case you get selected?

Taal: Actually yes Sir. Sir why don't you provide compensation for to-and-fro train fare from my home?

HR Interviewer: (baffled look) If you have attended our Pre Placement Talk you must know that We are providing to-and-fro Air Fare. Do you want to travel by train? I am sure that can be accomodated for once you join the company.

Taal: hmmmmmm (scratches his head and belly again) No need. I think I will prefer travelling by air only. But still you should provide for the train fare as well. (HR Interviewer can't contain himself and starts to laugh which he manages to sound like a cough)

HR Interviewer: Thank you. Mr....aah Mr. Mondal. You may leave now.

Taal: Thank you Sir (starts to stand up then sits down again)

Sir do u mind if I sit  for a while. My legs are paining and here there is AC.

HR Interviewer: yeah! Of course! In any case I need a break. (rushes off to tell his colleagues)

(after a while Taal comes out of the room)

His friends ask: dude! Kaisa hua be?

Taal: haan thik hai. Mil jane ka chance hai. Par kya sab HR chutiyaapaaa.

….........................................(BTW he gets the job)

Disclaimer:This is purely a work of fiction. All the stories told here are only partly true. Don't judge Taal from this piece of fiction. He is a great person, a good friend and a sexy man.  If you find any spelling or grammatical error in the dialogues of Taal, they have been deliberately put. Any other mistake, you are welcome to point out.

All and anything about Dadu

All and anything about Dadu (Its obviously all that i know about....even that's like "pebbles in the shores of an ocean of Dadu information"
- a quote later modified by Newton on his way to fame)

1. He never lights a match.because the last time he did something like that the Big Bang happened.

2. There is nothing called "time before Dadu". Time started when he started it.(The physicists would do well to incorporate this fact into the laws..might solve a lot of existing universe mysteries. But then why bother? just ask Dadu)

3. Dadu never got a university degree. He has been dropping out of every major university since times immemorial.Some of those universities like Nalanda, Vikramshila and takshashila have ceased to exist, hence proving the foresight and wisdom of his decision. Some others like Cambridge actually came into existence because tired of the previous institute he left it for good and started a new one(in case of Cambridge, Oxford)

4. some of his immortal quotes include "aaj kal aar temon thanda kothay pore" (implying the fact that the last time the earth's temperature actually dropped by a significant amount was during the last Ice Age)

5. Eons ago his past time was creating and building civilizations and then destroying them in fierce and violent wars and battles involving complex strategies. Now Dadu has settled down into a comfortable rhythm thanks to Microsoft's Age of Empires where he does the same albeit in a virtual world.

6. Some people believe that the conspiracy theory regarding NASA's moon landing in 1969 because of certain discrepancies in the video recording and photo shooting actually arose because the moon landing coincided with Dadu's vacation on the moon(apparently his farts blew the flag and similarly other phenomena which can be explained through his presence on the moon around the time)

7. Some of us believe the theory of evolution of life needs to be revised in lieu of the facts that new species evolves when tired of procreating with the same species over and over again Dadu decides to engage in bestiality.So in other words we are all descendants of him.(For example the common house lizards came into being when he decided to bed a dinosaur. The other dinosaurs frowned upon such abuse. Dadu decided enough was enough. He could not afford dissension amongst his own people. And hence all that drama with the impacting asteroid (Dadu simply took a dump) and all that resulting in the extinction of dinosaurs)

8. It is believed amongst his followers Dadu actually brought about renaissance in the dark ages of Europe by deciding to cross-dress in the then ultra-conservative society. Da Vinci actually painted a cross-dressed Dadu in the form of the famous painting Monalisa.

9. It is said that when the artisans were designing the mighty Sphinx they got into an argument with Dadu, when irritated by the insolence of the common humans Dadu said "Tor Ma". The artisans then got angered and threw whatever the found at hand towards Dadu. Dadu used the sphinx as a shield from the missiles. one of those missiles broke the Sphinx's nose.

10. Disgusted by the recent media bout on titillating mms, sex tapes and celebrity affairs one day Dadu exclaimed "these things are nothing. I have watched Cleopatra make out, Prithwiraj eloping with Samjukta, Lady Godiva riding nude in broad daylight". (He conveniently forgot to say how he was involved in some of the clandestine love affairs as well like how Pandu and Dhritarashtra were his bastard children during the ages of Mahabharata(He was called Vyasdev then), Dara Shikoh was his bastard child with Mumtaz Mahal (Aurangzeb knew that and decided to blackmail Dara Shikoh and hence his defeat at the hands of Aurangzeb during the struggle for succession), etc.)

11. Often people are amazed when they ask the age of Dadu, for he says its 23. What people don't realize is that it is in the logarithm scale with base 10. The actual age of Dadu to the last decimal digit is yet to be determined. The closest one got was Avogrado, and hence the Avogrado number (6.023 x 10^23) came into being!


There are lots of other interesting historical events. You are welcome to contribute.



Disclaimer: No offense was intended towards anyone living or dead. Its just my pathetic attempt at humour

A sample piece of gtalk chat between God and Dadu

A sample piece of conversation between God and Dadu:

sexydadu: Hi! dude! thr?

Calling cooldudegod at 4:20 AM on Sunday

Call with cooldudegod not answered at 4:20 AM on Sunday

cooldudegod: Bol be. wassup?

sexydadu: Dude y did u block me for a billion years? I had 2 chck wid Pidgin 2 find out that u had blocked me out.

cooldudegod: abe chutiya hu asked u to sleep with Rambha? I had dibs on her. u knew that very well

sexydadu: sry dude! I realized it was her very late. Remember that wild night. jyada pi liya tha yar.I came back to ur room for our usual night experiments about gay sex and thought it was u. After we had sex I fell asleep. When u woke me up with ur thunder sex-toy then only I realized what I had done. Dude u didn't even give me a chance to explain! u kicked me off to this damned place-earth.

Promise I will make it up with u tonight! what do u say? The humans have developed a very sexy outfit under the brand name "Victoria's secret". What do u say I wear that tonight?

kuch to bol be!

cooldudegod: alright! alright! but wear a condom dude. the humans have developed some really nasty STDs. u have lived with dem for years. I don't wanna catch one now in the twilight of my career.

sexydadu: don't worry! waise baki sab kaisa chal raha hai?

sent at 4:40 AM on Sunday

sexydadu: dude! whr r u?

sent at 4:45 AM on Sunday

cooldudegod: abe kya yar subah subah hagne bhi nahi dega kya? hagne gaya tha. aur bata.

sexydadu: yahan sab thik hai waise. bas ye Hindu aur Muslim log jyada uchal rahe hai Ayodhya leke.

cooldudegod: what fun dude! bas dekhte raho! unko pata bhi nahi hai that land was the birthplace of the concept of brothel! I opened the first  brothel there and asked that poor guy Ram to run the business. Lekin woh sala straight sex chor ke har tarah ka experiment karne laga. Gay, dominatrix, blowjobs, bukkake, bestiality aur kya kya sab. sala dimag garam ho gaya mera. I spun the wheel of time very fast and changed the yug from Treta to Dwapar.

All that remained of the building was in ruins. then came that man who called himself Sultan. kya naam tha uska. yaad nahi aa raha hai. bol na woh gandu kaun hai??

are who's the one who thought of building a mosque there?

sexydadu: kaun? Babar?

cooldudegod: haan! woh socha it was the remains of a Temple! :D

sexydadu: LOLMAX.  but its unfair dude! That was a nice place. The mosque architecture was awesome and they destroyed it.

cooldudegod: don't talk about shit! I know why u prefer that place! remember I am Omniscient. mujhe pata hai tu chori chupe Noor Jahan se karta tha us masjid ke andhera kinaro me.

sexydadu: sorry! sorry! :P

leave it yar. bakwas bhaat maarna choro. aaj raat ka plans karte hai.

cooldudegod: gotta go. Jesus calling me. Apparently the christians have finally worked out he could not have been
virgin born. gotta give them a new problem to think on. ne idea?

sexydadu: make the Americans bomb Pakistan. Let the Christians fight against Muslims. that should strengthen their belief on Jesus.

cooldudegod: how?

sexydadu: dude have u been taking classes at IIT?  IQ gir gaya be tera. just make zardari have sex with michelle. and make zardari tape it all and send the mms to Barack. The rest would take care of things themselves.

cooldudegod: kya idea sirjee! chal c ya tonight then.

bbye. tk care. don't forget the condom

sexydadu: don't worry! bbye.

cooldudegod is offline.



Disclaimer: if i have hurt anyone's sentiments please forgive me. it was not my intention. Anyways i am already going to hell. so this should fasten up the process.

All are welcome to comment. no comment will be moderated. so u r welcome to abuse me as much as u want.

Here is a Tutorial on how to take notes in class

This piece is for those hapless students for who are unable to take decent notes during lectures. Since I am a self-acclaimed master in taking notes (people have been borrowing, photo copying, and taking photos of my notes and sharing them online for years) I decided to share my special ability with you. Here are the things you need to do to be able to take good notes:

• First, develop a decent, readable handwriting. It doesn't need to be artistic or beautiful. It just needs to be readable so that people can read it easily and don't confuse between things like "alpha" and "infinity" notations.
• Next, try to sit as near to the lecturer as possible so as to catch every word spoken
• Concentrate hard to catch every word being spoken. Unless you are able to write and discern or understand whatever is being told simultaneously, avoid trying to understand and just concentrate on picking up the words only. So don't mind if people comment on why you have written down a poor joke told by the speaker while lecturing. And if you do have the mental capacity to filter out the crap and write down whatever is being spoken in a concise form, then congratulations- you have the natural talent for taking notes. 
•  Since catching every word is necessary, don't be late to a lecture.
• Be sincere enough to never miss a lecture, or else you will have a gap in your notes
• No need to use various coloured pens or pencils to emphasize certain points in your notes. Just develop your own set of notations for that. (I box important formulae and use arrow heads for points)
• Avoid sitting with gossiping friends because their gossip is bound to distract you. (The news of which guy is going out with which girl ca wait till the end of the lecture)

I understand its very difficult to be so sincere as to attend every lecture on time, but I have seen a lot of people who do attend every lecture but are still not able to take good notes. I hope this tutorial is going to help them.

NOTE: Taking good notes does not assure you good grades. For good grades either you have to be extremely hard working, or extremely talented or do something else (to learn about these thing you have to approach someone else because I don't have much experience in these mundane things)